A Theology of Husbandry Part I: Love

Husbands, now it’s our turn. I’m using another old word in my title, “husbandry.” We use the word today to describe the roles and responsibilities of those working in the agricultural sector, but the original meaning encompassed the roles and duties of a husband, and that’s my usage here. The main command to husbands in the marital relationship is to love our wives. Paul gives two illustrations, and both serve to give a clear picture of what it means to love your wife. Strangely, however, the Church today has by and large missed the point, and distorted the husband’s responsibility, turning the whole marriage relationship upside-down! As we saw with the wife, so with the husband: When we misunderstand and misapply God’s teaching here, we overthrow the picture and testimony God intended the marital relationship to be. We encourage believers and unbelievers alike to disregard God. Let’s see if we can cut through the fog and distortions, and identify what God actually expects of us husbands. From Ephesians 5:25.

Love

²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

There it is! Love!

Plain and simple, right? I wonder, though, how many of us read that and each hear a different command, a different application. We have that simple little word, l-o-v-e, and it can only mean one thing, right?

But how many people, Christians and non-Christians, look at the typical marriage relationship and ask with Tina Turner, “What’s love got to do with it?” It’s not that Tina’s anti-love, but clearly she’s been disappointed, her heart’s been broken and she no longer trusts the old concepts of love: Love is “a second-hand emotion,” just a “sweet, old-fashioned notion.”

Tina makes the same mistake that almost everyone else makes, even Believers. We insert our idea of love here, rather than listen to understand what God has in mind.

We know the word for “love” here is agape, but we treat it like it’s actually eros or phileo. And when those two fail to satisfy, we throw in the towel. Better not to bother with building some kind of trusting relationship, because people can’t be trusted. Forget marriage, just use people for our own physical wants. As long as everyone is in agreement, no one gets hurt. Except they’re already scarred and they’re only hurting more and more people, including themselves.

So the first thing we need to do is get it straight in our heads and in our hearts what this word “love” means.

It is not eros, which is the romantic, emotional, physical kind of love. As Cogsworth, in the animated Beauty and the Beast, described it: “Flowers, chocolates, promises you don't intend to keep.” It’s perfectly fine to give your wife gifts, praise, thank her, enjoy her beauty. The Bible celebrates that kind of love in the Song of Solomon and elsewhere! But that’s not what God is commanding husbands here. Eros comes fairly naturally, because it is so much rooted in our flesh. We don’t need to be commanded to act on it, rather we need instructions to contain it within the context of marriage, and not let it run rampant like our society does today!

But eros is easily extinguished, not so much by physical change, but by relational damage. When husbands and wives do not relate to one another as God directs, both spouses are hurt in the heart and begin lamenting with Tina. And if your only understanding of love is eros, when it is gone, so will you be too!

Neither is the husband commanded to phileo his wife. That’s the so-called brotherly love. It’s really more than that. It is a bond built upon shared experiences that draw two or more people together. The idea here is that you spend enough time together and experience enough things together and have enough of the same responses that you come to have a deep and enduring friendship, a non-sibling brotherhood or sisterhood.

When two people come together in marriage, you can be sure they will have a lot of shared experiences, and of course, we all hope that they become wonderful memories that only bind you together more firmly. Sadly, that is not always the case. There are lots of situations and circumstances that will arise where you each have a different view. Sometimes it’s big financial decisions. Sometimes it’s kids! You’d be surprised how many people I’ve talked with who had such a wonderful relationship—until a child came along. That’s when the arguing began. That’s when the relationship began to crumble. Not because kids are a problem, but because each had different ideas how to raise them. And they proved to be insurmountable differences. Those shared experiences become things that divide, rather than unite, if you face them as the world directs. A marriage built on phileo love, rooted in positive shared experiences, is a marriage built on shaky ground. It’s usually just a matter of time before enough negative shared experiences build up to drive you out of the marriage.

Jesus is not commanding husbands to phileo their wives. Pursuing and practicing phileo love in your marriage is great! It’s the kind of love that grows out of family vacations and holiday traditions and just simply “doing life” together. It doesn’t require a special command to husbands, especially in our day and age, because so many relationships begin or are developed through shared experiences. God doesn’t need to command that.

This is the problem Tina Turner and so many others, including Believers, have with love and marriage. They don’t recognize any other kind of love but these two. But there is another!

Unconditional Love?

Every good Christian knows exactly what agape is, right? Unconditional love. Sacrificial love. God’s love.

All of those are right, but all of those are such oversimplifications that they are easily distorted, abused and driven in a wrong direction! If you’re going to oversimplify agape love, then choose “God’s love” as the defining factor. That’s actually what Paul does in these few verses! That should force you to get to know God better, so you can live out His love.

God’s love is unconditional, sort of. It is offered without condition to people who do not in any way, shape or form deserve it. But it would be wrong to say God has no expectation on those He redeems!

We saw in Ephesians 2 that all people outside of Jesus Christ are under God’s wrath (Ephesians 2:1-3). Apart from Christ, we are enemies of God (Romans 5:10; Colossians 1:21). We also know that we are called to

Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect. (Matthew 5:44-48, NIV)

God does all kinds of good things even to people who hate Him, who want nothing to do with Him, who do not even seek Him. We are called to do the same. But is that all there is? Is there a purpose behind His goodness? Or does He just do good because that’s just who He is? Isn’t His kindness supposed to lead us to repentance (Romans 2:4)?

Consider the most famous verse in the Bible. John 3:16 (NIV) tells us that “God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”

God reached out to make peace with us, His enemies. He sacrificed His own Son, so that we could be reconciled to Him. But will everyone be reconciled? Or will some be lost to eternity, to suffer eternal torment?

John 3:16 says that “whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” There is a condition. In love, God provided the means by which anyone could be saved, while we were yet His enemies. But to be saved, we must turn to Him, believe in Jesus as God’s Son and the only way of salvation; then we are reconciled. It doesn’t happen without us doing anything. We must repent of running our own lives and submit to God and His Son as our Lord.

Looking at the offer of salvation to all people while in their sin, God’s love is unconditional. But recognizing the change that needs to happen in order for Jesus’ sacrifice to have any benefit to us, God’s love is not unconditional.

Consider Abraham, the father of all who believe. When God called him, He gave him an instruction and a promise:

The LORD had said to Abram, "Leave your country, your people and your father's household and go to the land I will show you. I will make you into a great nation and I will bless you; I will make your name great, and you will be a blessing. I will bless those who bless you, and whoever curses you I will curse; and all peoples on earth will be blessed through you." (Genesis 12:1-3, NIV)

What do you think would have happened if Abraham said, “No thanks”? Do you think God would have followed through on His promise to bless Abraham and all the earth through him? Of course not! He would have looked for someone else!

God called Abraham for no reason residing in Abraham. That’s the unconditional side of God’s love. But if Abraham hadn’t believed God and left home for the land God would show him, God never would have brought the promise about—through him. That’s the conditional side of God’s love.

Read Hebrews 3 for another example: The Israelites who came out of Egypt, seeing all God’s wonders, yet refused to receive Him as Lord and obey His voice.

It is not accurate to say that God’s love is unconditional, not entirely. It is up for grabs, without precondition—anyone can take it! But it demands a response of faith, trust and obedience in order to receive what is promised.

Sacrificial Love?

God’s love is sacrificial, right? Absolutely! We just reviewed John 3:16: God gave His only Son—we understand that to mean He offered Him up as a sacrifice to pay for our sins—so that we could be reconciled to Him (Colossians 1:19-22)! But Jesus’ sacrifice was not just to let us off the hook for our sins, to cancel out God’s righteous judgment, as if God’s not going to judge anyone! It wasn’t a blanket or aimless sacrifice, freeing us up to live however we desire. No! God offered His own Son up to pay the penalty we owed that doomed us to eternal torment—and to free us from the control of sin so we could walk in His holy ways!

God’s love is sacrificial, but in His sacrifice, He has a definite purpose. It is a sacrifice that makes us entirely new, as we’ve been talking about all along in Ephesians. Jesus’ sacrifice makes us a holy people who walk in righteousness (Ephesians 4:22-24).

God does good to all people—His enemies—in order to lead them to repentance (Romans 2:4), not to leave them in their sins. This is the message of the whole Bible. The real heart of God’s love, agape love, is the seeking of the good of those who are the object of that love. God has sent the Good News of Jesus’ birth, life, death, resurrection and reign out into the whole world, so that all might be saved, return to Him and learn what is true life.

Listen to Moses reveal the heart of God behind all the Law—the Law that is supposed to now be written on our hearts and minds as members of the New Covenant (Hebrews 8:8-13):

This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the LORD your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him. For the LORD is your life, and he will give you many years in the land he swore to give to your fathers, Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. (Deuteronomy 30:19-20, NIV)

God is our life, and He has called us out from the rest of the world to live by His commands, to live as He lives (Ezekiel 11:19-20). Again, Moses says,

And now, O Israel, what does the LORD your God ask of you but to fear the LORD your God, to walk in all his ways, to love him, to serve the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and to observe the LORD's commands and decrees that I am giving you today for your own good? (Deuteronomy 10:12-13, NIV)

God recorded in the Law His character and nature. He gave instructions for how we should live—“for your own good!” All of history is a record of God trying to help us do what is good and right—for our good and the good of those around us. As Paul says,

Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellowman has fulfilled the law. The commandments, "Do not commit adultery," "Do not murder," "Do not steal," "Do not covet," and whatever other commandment there may be, are summed up in this one rule: "Love your neighbor as yourself." Love does no harm to its neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law. (Romans 13:8-10, NIV)

There’s a great illustration of agape love in the previous chapter. Remember what we supposed to use our mouths and words for? “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Ephesians 4:29, NIV). We’re supposed to speak what is beneficial to others, to help them grow in Christlikeness. We can’t control whether they listen or not, but that’s not our purpose. Agape love considers what others truly need—in the eyes of God—and seeks to provide it, whether by word or by deed. In hope that the recipient will receive the benefit.

In some cases, it may be as simple as a meal or clothing or temporary shelter (Matthew 25:31-46; James 2:14-19; 1 John 3:16-18). It may be encouragement or comfort or urging “to live lives worthy of God” (1 Thessalonians 2:12, NIV). It may be pleading. It may be rebuke. It may be cutting off of fellowship (2 Thessalonians 3:14-15)! Whatever it takes to save a soul from eternal damnation (1 Corinthians 5; 2 Corinthians 2:1-11; 2 Corinthians 7:8-12a).

Love of God

Husbands, this is the unconditional, sacrificial love of God you have been commanded to exercise. And this is a love that requires commandment, because it is not natural. In our flesh, we are selfish and self-absorbed—all of us! But you and I have been called by God to lay aside our personal interests—that’s the sacrifice—and look to our wives and see what God wants for them and do whatever we can to help them become the women God desires them to be.

That requires knowing both our wives and our God. To know what God wants for them, we must first know God and what He wants for all people. We need to begin walking in His ways and living for His purposes. We need to call our wives to walk with us. We need to know what God wants for women in general and wives in particular, and we need to call our wives to God’s vision for them!

We need to understand our wives, their strengths and weaknesses, where they’re doing well to walk in God’s plan for them and where they need help. We need to consider what God is asking of us as heads of our families, the direction He is calling us to go, and what that will require of our wife and children. We need to figure out how to help them grow so that they can fulfill God’s purpose for them in giving them to us.

Christ the Model

• Eros: Physical, romantic love should be part of the marriage relationship, but not the command here
• Phileo: Deepening relationship through shared experience should be part of the marriage relationship, but not the command here
• Agape: Seeking the good of our wife—as God defines it—is the command here
• Requires our own knowing of God through His Word and by walking with Him in obedience
• Commission to lead our wives into deepening relationship with God

This command for us husbands to “love your wives, just as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself up for her” does not mean that we abandon our position as leader and become our wife’s servant! That is a gross distortion of this teaching, as we’ve already seen. How can a wife submit to a husband who is bent on doing everything she wants?

On the contrary, we’re to look to Christ to see how He loves the Church and what His sacrifice means. He didn’t lay aside any of the commands He’d received from His Father to grant the wishes of His followers—remember? Peter would have kept Him from the cross (Matthew 16:13-25)! Jesus demands that those who follow Him must give up everything for Him (Matthew 16:24-27). How can He require that? Because that’s what He Himself did in surrendering all His will to do His Father’s (John 6:38; John 8:28-29; John 14:30-31).

So if you and I are going to agape love our wives like Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her, then we can’t lose sight of the will of our Father. That’s the guidepost. That’s our Northern Star. He gives us direction for ourselves, and our wife is to follow us in pursuit of His will.

Jesus didn’t give Himself up for the Church out of romantic love or brotherly love for the Church. He actually gave Himself up for her in obedience and submission to His Father. The Father loved the world that infuriated Him. But He chose to redeem a people out from the rest who would walk in submission and honor and love for Him. To accomplish that, He sent His Son, who as God, also loved the people He would redeem by His blood. He did so, because that’s what the Church needed most. The message goes out into the whole world, but not all hear, not all are saved. The most wholesome and beneficial speech to come out of our mouths is the Gospel, but it has no benefit to those who will not listen and believe it (Ephesians 4:29).

A husband’s agape love for his wife is first of all concerned with her salvation. After that, he is concerned for her sanctification. This is the greatest and most shocking oversight in any discussion about these verses.

Most people read verse 25 and stop—like we’re doing today—as if that’s all that applies to the husband. But that’s a huge mistake. Verses 26 and 27 lay out the commission of the husband, his duty and responsibility toward his wife, the purpose of his agape love for his wife. We’ll dive into that next week.