A Theology of Husbandry Part III: His Body
God calls husbands to love their wives in such a way that makes her salvation and sanctification as of highest importance in his life—at least as far as it depends on him. Of course, he can only succeed if his wife submits to and follows his lead. Here, God leads Paul to return to his “body” illustration that was introduced in his command to wives to submit to their own husband as their “head.” He expands the illustration in such a way that further cements the idea that husband as “head” means leader, ruler, director. It also reinforces a husband’s responsibility to live to prepare his wife for heaven and fleshes out how he can and should do that. From Ephesians 5:28-33a.
His Own Body
28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.
Notice, we’re still talking about agape love here. That’s the word translated “love” in verse 28—all three times! Paul introduces this second illustration with the phrase, “in this same way.” That means the way and purpose for which Christ loved the Church is the same as how and why a man loves his own body. There is an equivalency that needs to be applied to our relationship with our wife. That means, how a man loves his own body is the same way Christ loved the Church, and how Christ loved the Church is the same way a man loves his own body. I think you’ll see that as we move through these verses.
The adjustment that needs to be made in our thinking as husbands—and wives—is to see our wife as our own body. To see that when we agape our wife, we are also agape-ing our own self. It means that the husband gains benefit by seeking the holiness of his wife. It means that there is only one set of rules for husband and wife, and one goal for both. The two are one, though not identical or interchangeable.
We husbands are called to help our wife grow in submission and obedience to the Father, just as surely as we ourselves are called to the same. There may be different applications for each partner, but the things required of husband and wife are the same! Husbands are called to submit to their “head,” Christ, just as wives are called to submit to their “head,” their husband (1 Corinthians 11:3; Ephesians 5:23-24)! It is one and the same command, just different targets.
This body metaphor goes both ways, but not in an equivalent manner. For God’s plan and vision of marriage to succeed, the husband must see his wife as an extension of his own body, and the wife must see herself as an extension of her husband’s body. She is not her own; she belongs to her husband. Sound familiar?
Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body. (1 Corinthians 6:19-20, NIV)
This concept of belonging to another and not being our own is foundational to God’s redemptive program. It’s what the Gospel is all about. We belong to Jesus Christ—if we have believed the Gospel (Romans 7:4). And if we do not belong to Christ, we’re still lost (Romans 8:9).
It is important to know who we belong to, so that we know who to respond to, who to follow. Wives, your husband is your “head” and you belong to him, not to yourself. You need to respond to him as if you are a physical extension of his own body. You need to look to him for leadership and guidance and purpose and direction. You are called to live for his purposes, just as surely as your husband and every other believer is called to die to himself and live for God (2 Corinthians 5:14-15; 1 Peter 4:1-2).
Wives, understand that your husband also belongs to you, but not in an equivalent sense. He belongs to you as your head. You belong to him as his body. One is subordinate to the other. The head is not subordinate to the body, but does consider and process the body’s input. The body is completely submitted to the head. Just as surely as our belonging to Christ does not make us equal to Him, but incredibly favored yet still under His direction and authority. We don’t direct Christ, we follow Him; He directs us.
The problem for us husbands is that we’re called to love our wife as our own bodies, but if our wife doesn’t act as our body, then how can we direct her? Not one of us has any trouble directing our bodies to do whatever we want them to do—unless there is some disability or disease. But how many husbands can direct their wife as easily as he directs his own body?
You may say I’ve gone off track. This verse doesn’t say anything about leading, but loving! But remember, we’re not talking about eros love or phileo love or any other kind of love. We’re talking about agape love, which has at its heart the eternal benefit of the one so loved. Not benefit as the world defines it, but benefit as God defines it. This love is not a mere feeling or closeness or make-the-wife-feel-loved love. It is tasked with preparing the wife to stand blameless, holy and pure before Jesus Christ! It is very much directional and purposeful. And what makes it succeed is the responsiveness of the one loved!
That’s what’s so powerful about this body illustration. The husband is called to love his wife as a part of his very own flesh-and-blood body. But he is able to do so, delighted to do so, only as it responds fully to his directives. If any of us has a member of our body that is unresponsive, we will seek medical care to correct the problem. But if the problem cannot be corrected, then we must live with a disability.
His Care
29 After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church—30 for we are members of his body.
“No one ever hated his own body.” No reasonable, normal person ever hated his own body. But I’m sure we’ve seen all kinds of people who have abused and damaged and destroyed their own bodies. Addiction to drugs, alcohol, feelings of euphoria, escapism. Self-hatred from improperly processed trauma or not processed at all. There are many people who hate themselves and drag their bodies through hell because they do not know and love Jesus Christ, His Truth and the freedom and healing He offers.
We’re not talking about such people. Those are people who need the Gospel. Those are people we Christians are called to minister to, not marry. If you come to Christ while married to such a person, that’s a different situation. These are instructions to Christian husbands and Christian wives. And Christians are called to marry only other Christians, which is a very smart thing to do even if you don’t know what God commands (2 Corinthians 6:14-18)!
No reasonable, normal person—especially a Christian!—“ever hated his own body, but he feeds it and cares for it, just as Christ does the church.” That’s self-explanatory, right? You feed your body, because you know you’ll die without food. You take care of your body, because you don’t want it to be come diseased or damaged and die! So how does that describe a husband’s love for his wife?
He feeds himself, he puts the food in his mouth. So does agape love require a husband to sit his wife down while he buys food, prepares it, then lovingly spoon-feeds her? We care for our own bodies, so should a husband tuck his wife away in a safe place where she can never come to harm?
Of course, no one would do such things, but consider how easy it is for us to see things that aren’t there. How many of us hear “feed” and “care” and think “dote”? How about “nourish” and “cherish,” as other translations put it, and hear “put on a pedestal”? How many of us see these words and think the husband is supposed to make his wife’s wants and wishes primary in all he thinks and does? That he is expected to be her “servant-leader,” which too often becomes her “servant-servant”?
This doesn’t say a husband is supposed to feed and care for his wife as she wants to be fed and cared for. It says a husband is supposed to feed and care for his wife as he feeds and cares for his own body. The husband is the defining factor in understanding how he is to feed and care for his own wife.
The Greek word translated “feed” here isn’t even primarily about food! It’s about bringing up, raising to maturity, even training. That requires food, yes. It even embodies a certain kind of cherishing love—the kind of love that is thinking about the finished product and seeking to develop the one so loved into that final likeness. Did you know it’s the exact same word used a few verses later, in Ephesians 6:4, where fathers are commanded to “bring up” their children in the training and instruction of the Lord? Do you think God has something more in mind than just food and drink?
How does the typical man “feed” his body, as Paul means here? What effort or thought does he put into that? How is that displayed in the life of a normal person? Do you know many men who sit around and pamper their bodies? Aren’t men usually thought of as driven? Aren’t they the ones that usually take on the physically demanding jobs? Isn’t it common knowledge that men die younger than women? Why is that? It has historically been the case, so don’t think it’s primarily because of dumb men doing dumb stunts.
Men eat to fuel the demands of their work. Men eat to reward themselves for their work. Oh, sure, there are those who live to eat and drink, but the Bible condemns them as drunkards and gluttons. We’re not talking about aberrant behavior, but normal behavior. Men train themselves and discipline their bodies to do hard things. They push their bodies sometimes beyond its limit to obtain goals, usually to provide as best they can for their families. Both blue-collar and white-collar. It may not look the same, but either way, they’re not pampering their bodies! Is that not self-sacrificial love, even if not God’s full version of agape love?
It’s not just first-responders and the military. Don’t farmers drive themselves hard to get their work done? Their work doesn’t wait for when it’s convenient and only demand a comfortable amount of time and effort. Don’t they often work from before sun-up to well after sundown? Do they get breaks? I hope so. You tell me.
Whatever their job, men typically drive themselves hard to do the best they can—some just for the love of the challenge, many just out of love for their family.
Consider Paul himself, who recorded these words. How did he “feed” and train his body?
Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize. (1 Corinthians 9:24-27, NIV)
“Strict training.” “We do it to get a crown that will last forever.” “I beat my body and make it my slave!” That’s not an opening for wife-abuse. Rather, there is a goal further out there, and obtaining that goal is worth depriving ourselves now of good things in order to obtain that far better thing. So we don’t live today to soak up all we can enjoy, but we suffer various forms of deprivation and discipline so as to gain glory and joy and comfort and satisfaction that endures forever!
Listen to what Paul does put his body through:
Are they servants of Christ? (I am out of my mind to talk like this.) I am more. I have worked much harder, been in prison more frequently, been flogged more severely, and been exposed to death again and again. Five times I received from the Jews the forty lashes minus one. Three times I was beaten with rods, once I was stoned, three times I was shipwrecked, I spent a night and a day in the open sea, I have been constantly on the move. I have been in danger from rivers, in danger from bandits, in danger from my own countrymen, in danger from Gentiles; in danger in the city, in danger in the country, in danger at sea; and in danger from false brothers. I have labored and toiled and have often gone without sleep; I have known hunger and thirst and have often gone without food; I have been cold and naked. Besides everything else, I face daily the pressure of my concern for all the churches. Who is weak, and I do not feel weak? Who is led into sin, and I do not inwardly burn? (2 Corinthians 11:23-29, NIV)
Is it any wonder Paul remained single? What woman would see that, be filled with compassion and want to join him as a comfort and provider of care? Paul knew agape love inside and out. And it took a terrible toll on his physical body. But for the sake of the Church, he gladly paid the price (2 Timothy 2:8-10). He was following the example of His Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. He was living out what he was talking about here. His body was a vessel and a tool, one that he was willing to expend (2 Corinthians 12:14-15) in order to “seek first [Christ’s] kingdom and his righteousness” (Matthew 6:33, NIV).
Ladies, that’s how a husband naturally “feeds” and raises and trains his body. That’s what you signed on to when you married him. You didn’t sign on to be served and pampered and put on a pedestal—not according to God’s plan. You weren’t brought on board to be the center of your husband’s world. You were brought on to help him advance his goals. He will ask of you things you don’t think you can handle, things you don’t want to do, but I’m pretty sure he’ll usually try to give you the easier tasks and keep the more painful ones to himself. So you should definitely desire a husband who is sold out for Christ, so that his goals are eternal goals with eternal benefit, so that all you suffer alongside him is repaid with a share of Christ’s glory!
I know that sounds contrary to Jesus’ own words,
Jesus called them together and said, “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave—just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” (Matthew 20:25-28, NIV)
That’s mostly because we so easily forget or overlook the last part of that passage, “to give his life as a ransom for many.” We think that only applies to Jesus, so all we have left is just to serve. But Jesus is calling every one of us believers to give our lives to help others obtain salvation and become sanctified. He wasn’t calling us to be the slaves of everyone to do whatever they want us to do, but to be slaves of God to accomplish His purposes in the lives of those around us. Our serving is consumed first and foremost with teaching others about Jesus and training them to walk in His ways.
But what about that second word, “care” or “cherish”? Some might use that word to try and overthrow everything I’ve said so far. But it doesn’t. It merely adds a tender component to it. The word translated “cares” here literally means “to keep warm,” as a hen sitting on her eggs or as a parent holding a child close and snug and warm.
When you see someone choosing to suffer for the good of another, is your heart not moved with compassion and a desire to comfort and bring some form of healing, some form of care, some form of appreciation? That’s when I cry in a movie!
Everything I’ve said so far in talking about the husband and wife relationship can seem cold and hard and even cruel. There is surely a degree of that, more perhaps than we’re willing to admit. The husband is called to die. So also is the wife. We are all called to take up our cross and follow Jesus—just as He walked in perfect obedience to His Father, leading to His own death. But it didn’t end there. And there was no heartlessness in the Father’s commission to Jesus. The Father didn’t love us more than He loved His own Son, but He did send His Son to die for us. Did He do so without grief? Without suffering with His Son?
Multiple times the Father announced to those around Jesus, “This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased” (Matthew 3:17, NIV). Abraham sacrificing Issac is a picture of the Father Himself sacrificing Jesus. God said to Abraham, “Take your son, your only son, Isaac, whom you love, and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains I will tell you about” (Genesis 22:2, NIV). You can imagine all the emotions that went through Abraham. God’s heart was on display there. All the emotions you would experience if it was you and not Abraham, I have no doubt God felt every one of those when looking ahead to what our redemption would cost. But He had something else: He knew the beginning from the end. He knew how it would turn out. He wouldn’t lose His Son, but receive back an even more loyal, tested, proven, worthy, beloved Son. You and I need faith to fill our chasm of absolute certainty. You and I need faith in God and His power to restore what is lost, in order to trust and obey His plan.
Jesus Himself was not without feeling. How many times was His heart moved with compassion for the people, “because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd” (Matthew 9:36, NIV)? What was His response to that compassion? “Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field” (Matthew 9:38, NIV). He commissioned His disciples to go and preach the Gospel. But what a commissioning!
I am sending you out like sheep among wolves. Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves. Be on your guard against men; they will hand you over to the local councils and flog you in their synagogues. On my account you will be brought before governors and kings as witnesses to them and to the Gentiles. But when they arrest you, do not worry about what to say or how to say it. At that time you will be given what to say, for it will not be you speaking, but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you. Brother will betray brother to death, and a father his child; children will rebel against their parents and have them put to death. All men will hate you because of me, but he who stands firm to the end will be saved. When you are persecuted in one place, flee to another. I tell you the truth, you will not finish going through the cities of Israel before the Son of Man comes. A student is not above his teacher, nor a servant above his master. It is enough for the student to be like his teacher, and the servant like his master. If the head of the house has been called Beelzebub, how much more the members of his household! So do not be afraid of them. There is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, or hidden that will not be made known. What I tell you in the dark, speak in the daylight; what is whispered in your ear, proclaim from the roofs. Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell. Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. (Matthew 10:16-31, NIV)
Jesus has commissioned us to be hated by all on account of His name, to go out like sheep among wolves, defenseless, completely vulnerable, easy to kill. That’s us, His Bride, members of His own body! Christ sends the members of His own body out to be slaughtered—just as He Himself was slaughtered! But Jesus is not heartless in all this. Right before Stephen was killed, he saw heaven opened “and Jesus standing at the right hand of God” (Acts 7:55, NIV). Many have pointed out that Jesus was supposed to be seated at the right hand of the Father when He returned to Heaven, but here He is standing. Standing and watching as the Jewish leaders prepare to kill His faithful witness. Moved with compassion—and pride!—feeling what’s about to happen and ready to welcome Stephen into his eternal reward.
Do you know who Jesus delights most in? Those who fully trust Him and entrust themselves to His holy will. Who forget themselves and their own safety and live to serve His agenda. Do you know which husbands delight most in their own bodies? Those whose bodies do all they ask of them. Do you know which husbands will delight most in their wives? Those whose wives entrust themselves fully to their husband, who give themselves fully to do all his desire!
Unity
31 "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.
Paul didn’t come up with this “body” illustration on his own. It’s something God laid down in the very beginning, at the creation of man and woman. Eve was literally an extension of Adam’s own body; she was created from a part of his own body. When God brought Eve to Adam, Adam declared, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman,' for she was taken out of man” (Genesis 2:23, NIV). Notice, Eve did not respond in like format, claiming Adam as her own bone and flesh. She was created for Adam and from Adam; she belonged entirely to Adam as part of his own self. Adam was both the source and the lead.
Based on that historical truth, God inspired the words Paul quotes here: “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24, NIV). In his rendition of Genesis 2:24, Paul emphasizes that “the two” become one flesh, one body. This is the nature and condition of marriage, as God designed and ordained it. It is true of all marriages everywhere, whether one believes in God or not, and most societies for most of history have held to this truth, seeing marriage as an inviolate binding of two individuals.
The body illustration isn’t Paul’s creation, but God’s. And it is not merely metaphorical, but supposed to be lived reality.
Then Paul brings it full-circle. This marriage relationship was never just about husbands and wives, but meant to illustrate Christ’s relationship with the Church. It is a “profound mystery,” not in the sense that we can’t understand it, but in the sense that no one recognized Genesis 2 being about anything but husbands and wives until Christ came. God used the marriage relationship as an illustration of His relationship with Israel multiple times in the Old Testament, but no one realized the real unity and “binding together” that is supposed to exist between Christ and believers.
When we believe in Jesus, we are catapulted in status from mere creations destined to be cast out to fellow heirs and rulers of all. We, the Church, are a woman of ignoble birth, a commoner, a nobody, whom the King inexplicably chooses to take as wife, and in a moment we are exalted to queen of the realm! Not because of us, but because of our union with Christ. Not because we understand all truth and are worthy to take a seat beside Him, but because He calls us out from the crowd to walk with Him and live with Him and learn from Him and exercise a share of His authority, under His leadership.
Not only are the two, husband and wife, to act and live as one, with the husband as lead, but so also are the two relationships, husband-wife and Christ-Church, to be as one, reflections of one another, with Christ’s relationship with His Bride being the standard upon which all other husband-wife relationships are to be modeled.
God had this plan from the very beginning. You and I are not free to change it and make marriage whatever we want it to be. That is rebellion. And if we’re not determined to correct ourselves and conform our marriages—our part in the marriage—to God’s design, then we need to check ourselves to see if we even belong to Jesus Christ.
A husband who does not surrender himself to the leading and lordship of Christ needs to repent and turn himself around and get serious about knowing his Lord and doing His will. A wife who does not surrender herself to the leading and lordship of her husband needs to repent and turn herself around and get serious about knowing her lord and doing his will. If your husband is an unbeliever, his wants, wishes and priorities for you will be limited by his worldly point of view. You’ll need to look higher, to what God wants for you. Honor and obey your husband within the parameters that God sets. Do not take the freedoms that your husband may give you and violate the mission God has given you.
Agape Love
33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
In verse 33, Paul brings it back to husbands and wives. The husband must agape love his wife and the wife must respect, honor, submit to her husband.
Marriage done God’s way for God’s glory requires two people who are committed to growing in faith and trust in God and doing life as He directs. The husband must love the Lord above all else, such that he gives up all control of his life to the Lord and seeks the Lord to know Him deeply and serve Him in all he does. The wife must love the Lord above all else, such that she gives up all control of her life to the Lord and seeks to know Him deeply and serve Him in all she does. Because such a husband loves himself and greatly desires himself to be worthy of the Lord’s love and honor, so he will walk in careful obedience to all the Lord commands him, and so also will he care enough for his wife to lead her to walk carefully in all God commands her.
Husbands and wives, men and women, they are different, and God created them to fill different, specific roles and responsibilities. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; it’s no trouble to me to repeat myself “and it is a safeguard for you” (Philippians 3:1; 2 Peter 1:12-13): These roles and responsibilities, if done according to God’s Word, teach the world about God and His love for the Church. God forbid, Christian marriages project a wrong message about God’s love for mankind, making people the center and focus of all things rather than God, implying that God exists to serve us. Let our marriages instead teach the truth, that God is the center of all things, worthy of all “power and wealth and wisdom and strength and honor and glory and praise” (Revelation 5:12, NIV). He loves us and wants to make us worthy of dwelling forever in His kingdom!
Husbands, love the Lord Jesus above all things and devote yourselves to know Him, learning His ways and walking in them. Love your wife as you love yourself, as eager for her to receive a rich welcome in Heaven as you are for yourself. Wives, submit to your husbands in everything with full respect, so that your husband can lead you in God’s ways. Do this so that the people around you see how the Lord loves those who belong to Him and how much He loves them, and so that they understand the honor and obedience they owe to Lord Jesus.