A Theology of Wifery Part I: Submission

“Submission.” We treat it like a dirty word. It’s OK if everyone has to submit to each other. Not so great when one group has to submit to another. So we’ve decided to fix that in our modern era. We’re discarding authority, thinking we’ve found a better way. But it’s no new way. It’s one that’s been around from the beginning. We’re actually falling into the trap of the devil, who refused to admit that God was over him, but insisted on making himself equal with God (Isaiah 14:12-14)—in stark contrast to Jesus, who actually is God (Philippians 2:5-8). In distorting these last 12 verses of Ephesians 5, we’re tearing down the fabric of society as God intended it. We’re only hurting everyone we think we’re freeing. ("Wifery" refers to the role and responsibilities of a wife.) From Ephesians 5:22.

Submission

²² Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.

“Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.” There are three main elements here: wives, submit to your husbands, as to the Lord.

First up, Paul addresses these instructions to the wife; that’s pretty obvious. This instruction is for you married ladies and to any ladies who desire to be married—to give you a vision for your focus and responsibility as a wife.

Second, “submit.” We’ve seen this word before and we’ll see it again. This is a key element of the Christian life. We’re all called to submit to someone; we’re all under someone’s authority. If any one of us thinks they’re at the top, well, they still have a lord and master over them, Jesus Himself! No one on earth is without an authority over him or her.

Interestingly, in this and the following relational pairs, Paul addresses those under authority before addressing the one in authority. We are all, first and foremost, people under authority, and above all else, we must learn to live in submission to God and to all His appointed leaders.

Submission means to voluntarily line up under God’s appointed authority, whether to kings and governors as Peter reminds us (1 Peter 2:13-14) or slaves to their masters (Ephesians 6:5-8) (and we could understand that today as employee to supervisor) or children to parents (Ephesians 6:1-3) or wives to their own husbands, as we see here.

You and I must choose to submit ourselves to every authority placed over us. If we do so, there is greater chance for peace and enjoyment of life. If we do not, we will be in constant conflict with the one or ones God has placed over us. And we will be in conflict with God Himself, as Paul taught the Romans:

Everyone must submit himself to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. Consequently, he who rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves. For rulers hold no terror for those who do right, but for those who do wrong. Do you want to be free from fear of the one in authority? Then do what is right and he will commend you. For he is God's servant to do you good. But if you do wrong, be afraid, for he does not bear the sword for nothing. He is God's servant, an agent of wrath to bring punishment on the wrongdoer. Therefore, it is necessary to submit to the authorities, not only because of possible punishment but also because of conscience. (Romans 13:1-5, NIV)

In any and every way that you and I are under authority, if we do not want to be afraid of the one in authority over us, then we need to do what is right, do what we’re told, submit ourselves to their leadership! It’s just that simple! At least as far as it depends on us.

So, wives and potential wives, God’s command to you is the same as to every person on earth: Submit. But as a wife, your first and only real authority under God and by His design is and should your husband alone. Not father, not mother, not boss, nor anyone else. Just your husband. Of course, Paul is exercising a spiritual authority in the place of God, as does every pastor and elder in the lives of their congregants. Their authority supersedes any other authority, as God’s representatives and messengers, but their message to you is: Submit to your husband as to Jesus Christ!

And that brings up the third element of this command: Your submission to your husband should be to the same degree and in the same likeness as your submission to Jesus Christ. Which brings up a question: How do you submit to Jesus?

Or perhaps even before that question: How much are you to be submitted to Jesus? And how much are you, in fact, submitted to Jesus? How do you respond to all of Jesus’ commands that apply to you? Do you question and argue or pretend not to understand or claim His commands are too difficult to understand, as if that excuses you from diligently working out exactly what obedience to Him looks like? Do you apply all diligence to work at doing everything Jesus commands of you, as of first importance and absolute priority over everything else? Do you put Jesus first in everything?

Paul ties a wife’s submission to her husband to her submission to Jesus. A wife should be submitted to her husband exactly as she is also submitted to Jesus. So what does your submission to Jesus look like? Paul’s instruction implies that your submission to Jesus is a lot like your submission to your husband. If your husband is simply someone you’re married to, whose thoughts and opinions you ought to consider, but really, you’re still your own person and free to do whatever you think is good and right, well, that’s probably exactly what your submission to Jesus looks like.

Today we have a new kind of “Christian” husband, who gives you all kinds of freedom to do as you please and doesn’t expect you to think of him first and put him first. And we may call his behavior “noble,” “sacrificial,” even “generous,” but God calls it a disgrace. Few husbands of old would have tolerated such insult and rebelliousness in his wife of old, for that’s really what such behavior is. He may have been patient and long-suffering, but ultimately he would distance himself from such a wife, if not actually divorcing her. And that’s exactly what you see in God. He will not endure being treated as an equal. He requires absolute and total obedience—even if your husband’s instructions conflict with God’s. God always comes first. The husband is second.

We actually see that today, even among those “noble” husbands. “Man Caves” are the modern application of the proverb, “Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife” (Proverbs 21:9, NIV). Remember that idea of repetition in Scripture? Whatever is repeated multiple times is of greater and greater importance and truth. Well, that little proverb is repeated exactly or with slight variation a total of three times (Proverbs 21:9, 21:19 and 25:24), with two other related and similar expressions (Proverbs 19:13 and 27:15).

Ladies, does your husband have a favorite place to be—away from you? There’s a reason, and your lack of submission may very much be it. If your husband doesn’t prefer to be with you, then what does Jesus think? Or flip that around, if you don’t prefer to be with your husband—whatever he is like—what about Jesus?

If your submission to your husband is a reflection of your submission to Christ, then Jesus probably doesn’t like to spend time with you either. Remember, He’s the one who commands your submission to your husband, so if you’re a quarrelsome and ill-tempered wife, you’re also a quarrelsome and ill-tempered disciple of Jesus! (That’s true not just for wives, but for any of us who don’t particularly like some of Jesus’ commands!) If you, as a wife, maintain authority and autonomy over yourself and even give lots of helpful guidance to your husband—who of course listens poorly—then you also see Jesus as more of a wise advisor rather than your God and King, and you probably have some pretty helpful suggestions for Him too! You’re resisting His leadership by resisting your husband’s. And Jesus will allow all kinds of trouble and conflict to arise in your life as you choose to lead yourself rather than to follow His instruction and design.

No Need to Demand

“Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.” This is not permission to disregard your husband in whatever matters you choose—because that’s how you treat Jesus. This is instruction that you should submit to your husband in everything, “quickly, completely and with a happy heart,” to borrow from our own child-training lessons. Jesus wants your quick, complete and joyful submission—in everything He requires!—and that’s what He wants you, as a wife, to give your husband.

Notice two things I’ve mentioned here: Submission is the voluntary lining up under an authority. It is something you alone have control over. It is to be given—a gift if you will. The other side of that is: It should not need to be demanded by the one in authority—not if you’re a Christian! Anyone in authority over a Christian should never have to command or demand or browbeat you into submission, because you gladly offer it up at the first and completely.

If you have some genuine authority in your life demanding obedience, that is a sign that you are in rebellion to God, as well as to the one demanding your submission. The authority is not wrong to demand it—because he is under authority and under obligation from above to direct his team or group or family according to the directives of the one over him. He should never have to demand submission from a Christian! He should only have to demand and punish unbelievers for their rebellion!

When it comes to husbands and wives, there are husbands who will try to make their wives submit, but such wives usually do not take well to such techniques. They’re already in rebellion, and if you fight to gain their obedience, they’ll just fight back all the more—some subtly (think “malicious compliance”) and some with open war! Which is why the proverb says it’s better to live in a desert or on the corner of a roof than share a house with such a wife. It is far more peaceful, far less stressful and far less emotionally taxing. It is by far the easier path—and the only one open to a follower of Christ, because the believer is not permitted to divorce his wife (Matthew 19:3-11; 1 Corinthians 7:10-11).

Look over the history of God’s relationship with His Bride, Israel, and you’ll see God using both techniques, and eventually divorcing her and sending her away (Isaiah 50:1; Jeremiah 3:6-8). But He didn’t choose another wife! Rather, He eventually brought Israel back to Himself, humbled, as the third chapter of Hosea illustrates. The Church is not a second bride, but grafted into Israel, God’s one and only Bride (Romans 11:16-29).

In the New Testament, you do not see Jesus going around demanding everyone see and accept and submit to Him as king—not yet! Instead, He left it up to every individual to choose whether to voluntarily follow Him or not. He did not shout or command or threaten, but He did tell everyone that there was a consequence for refusing to acknowledge Him as Lord: eternal judgment (John 12:47-50). Yet He did not rant and rave. There is a consequence for refusing His leadership, just as surely as there are consequences for refusing the leadership of your husband.

There is a time coming when all will need to submit to Jesus, whether voluntarily or not. He will not tolerate rebellion when He reigns as King over all nations from Jerusalem.

But today, He invites all men and women everywhere to humble ourselves before Him and follow Him as He leads in God’s ways. If we follow, He gives direction and instruction—which we should receive and obey without hesitation and without question. If we don’t follow, He leaves us to go our own way. He won’t fight us or force us to submit to Him. The choice is entirely ours. If we claim to follow but pick and choose which instructions to obey, we’re a hanger-on or a fair-weather fan, but we do not belong to Him; we will be left out when He returns.

Think of all the crowds who followed Jesus throughout Galilee and Judea, but think also of all the people who stayed home. They came out to hear Him when He passed through, or to see the signs and wonders, but they returned to their homes once He left town. He was fun for a moment, but not worth giving up everything to follow. Jesus didn’t beat on their doors and force them all to follow Him.

What was Jesus’ instruction to His disciples when He sent them out to preach?

Whatever town or village you enter, search for some worthy person there and stay at his house until you leave. As you enter the home, give it your greeting. If the home is deserving, let your peace rest on it; if it is not, let your peace return to you. If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, shake the dust off your feet when you leave that home or town. I tell you the truth, it will be more bearable for Sodom and Gomorrah on the day of judgment than for that town. (Matthew 10:11-15, NIV)

He didn’t tell them to go to war with the towns or villages that refused to listen to their message, but to “shake the dust off your feet when you leave” as a testimony against them (Luke 9:5). And move on to the next town or village. Jesus likewise moves on. We don’t go out as conquerors today, but as messengers, offering terms of peace to those who will voluntarily receive Jesus as Lord. The choice to submit or not is yours. If you choose to submit to Him, it becomes your responsibility to find out what He wants of you. He has published His Law; He has published His will; He has published His heart and desires and wants and wishes. He has both spoken and modeled all He desires. He has done His part; we must show our submission by seeking out what He wants, learning it, understanding it and doing it.

In the same way, your husband should have no need to require your submission. This is a command to you to submit willingly to your husband. This is not a command to your husband to force you into submission.

Submission is Devotion

In order to follow Jesus, we must give up all our plans and wants and dreams, and study to know His mission, His commission and all His instructions for how He wants His Bride and family to live. In truth, we give up ourselves in order to study to know Him, His heart, His burden and all He is doing, and we come alongside Him. We take His yoke upon ourselves and learn from Him (Matthew 11:28-30), following Him, being trained by His Word, His Spirit, His deeds. We become imitators of Him by turning all our attention to watching Him, listening to Him and doing what He does (Ephesians 5:1-2).

Do you know what the best illustration of submission is? The military. In fact, the Greek word here for submission is a military term. Everyone talks about military discipline—not the punishment kind of discipline, but the power to arrange crowds of people to focus on single tasks and accomplish impossible missions. Military discipline depends entirely on the submission of lower ranks to higher ranks. Watch a military parade. Rank after rank of men and women walking in incredible precision and synchronization at the simple command of a single leader—and often that leader has his back to those he leads, with complete confidence that his instructions are being carried out exactly as expected! That’s submission.

Can I remind you what Jesus expects of His servants, men and women?

"Suppose one of you had a servant plowing or looking after the sheep. Would he say to the servant when he comes in from the field, 'Come along now and sit down to eat'? Would he not rather say, 'Prepare my supper, get yourself ready and wait on me while I eat and drink; after that you may eat and drink'? Would he thank the servant because he did what he was told to do? So you also, when you have done everything you were told to do, should say, 'We are unworthy servants; we have only done our duty.' " (Luke 17:7-10, NIV)

Can I remind you what Jesus expects of His soldiers, men and women?

Endure hardship with us like a good soldier of Christ Jesus. No one serving as a soldier gets involved in civilian affairs--he wants to please his commanding officer. (2 Timothy 2:3-4, NIV)

Is it any wonder every one of us balks at the Bible’s definition of submission—whether for wives or disciples? Submission means losing yourself—no, it means giving up yourself to live for the plans and purposes of another.

Listen to 1 Peter 4:1-2 (NIV): “Therefore, since Christ suffered in his body, arm yourselves also with the same attitude, because he who has suffered in his body is done with sin. As a result, he does not live the rest of his earthly life for evil human desires, but rather for the will of God.”

Listen to 2 Corinthians 5:14-15 (NIV): “For Christ's love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again.”

Listen to Jesus:

Large crowds were traveling with Jesus, and turning to them he said: "If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters—yes, even his own life—he cannot be my disciple. And anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple. Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Will he not first sit down and estimate the cost to see if he has enough money to complete it? For if he lays the foundation and is not able to finish it, everyone who sees it will ridicule him, saying, 'This fellow began to build and was not able to finish.' Or suppose a king is about to go to war against another king. Will he not first sit down and consider whether he is able with ten thousand men to oppose the one coming against him with twenty thousand? If he is not able, he will send a delegation while the other is still a long way off and will ask for terms of peace. In the same way, any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple. (Luke 14:25-33, NIV)

These words are not just for some kind of super-Christian, but for every Christian. Submission isn’t just for wives. It’s for anyone and everyone who wants to follow Jesus. We are all called to surrender ourselves to Jesus. We are all called to give up our lives to live for Him and His purposes. That’s devotion to Jesus.

It is no different for a wife. To submit herself to her husband means to die to herself and live for her husband. A wife is called to be a living example of what every believer is to be toward Jesus. You may say you can give your life up to Jesus, but a husband? If not to your husband, then can you really say you’ve given your life up to Jesus?

It may feel like you’ll be truly and completely a slave, with no life of your own. Perhaps. Jesus actually wants us to find our life, our identity in Him. He wants wives to find their lives, their identity in their husband—not in their kids and grandkids, but in their husband. That’s a big part of what the name change at marriage is all about!

It does not mean that you’ll never have time for your hobbies or projects you want to accomplish or activities you enjoy. Jesus carved out time for His disciples to rest, but yes, He also pushed them to serve when they wanted to rest so that rest itself, or they themselves, would not become their idol. They actually did give up everything to follow Jesus (Matthew 19:27). But I don’t think I know a single husband who wants to dictate their wife’s every waking moment. That’s a heavy load to carry—a load only Jesus is able to bear! I think they would all—including Jesus—rather have you just learn and understand what he wants of you and you just do it!

The question is simply: Who do you serve? If you’re not fully submitted to your husband, his vision, his leadership—in full submission to Jesus Christ—then you’ve actually fallen in line with Satan. Satan’s only demand is that you do whatever you want. Make yourself equal to your husband. Make yourself out to be equal with God. Remain captain of your own ship, master of your own fate.

What To Do

Do you feel like your husband doesn’t lead, won’t tell you what he wants of you, let’s you do whatever you want? There are two main causes for that: 1) He has no idea what God expects of him or you. 2) He learned a long time ago—maybe from you, maybe long before you came along—not to interfere in your affairs.

If you want to turn things around, it begins with you, not your husband, as Paul reveals here.

I guarantee you that at minimum, your husband is revealing his wants and wishes by his deeds and actions. He may be revealing his heart by off-the-cuff remarks, jokes, calling your attention to some “crazy” behavior of another woman or couple. Sometimes it might even be quietly voiced desires.

He may have learned long ago that you were more into your own wants and wishes and dreams and plans than into his, so he stopped speaking his desires or instructions and went off to seek them alone. Was there ever a time where he felt he could voice his instructions, his vision, his plans for his home and family and life—and not be challenged by his wife?

How can you change it? Perhaps you can go to your husband in true and complete repentance and tell him you’re ready to do whatever he wants. I imagine he’ll have a hard time believing you. He’ll probably blow you off, refuse to take responsibility for you, and even insist on you continuing to pursue your heart. He’ll probably even assure you that you’re doing fine—better than most women!

And then he may watch to see if you really mean to repent and change. You’re going to have to prove it without any guidance from him.

You see, as we saw earlier, Jesus doesn’t come along and stand over you until you do what He wants. He comes by. He says some things. He goes on. And whoever is truly submitted, hears those things He said and does them. They pick up their things or leave them behind and start following after Jesus. To hear more, to see what He’s doing, to learn to do what He’s doing and instructing. You don’t demand Jesus come here and tell you personally everything He wants you to do. You go to Him, to the Scriptures He has recorded for your edification, and you listen and do what you see there. If you won’t do the things He’s already spoken for all to hear, why would He come to you privately and tell you something directly?

If you’re ready to submit to your husband, you don’t need to ask for instruction, you need to listen and watch and learn and do what you hear. Don’t make him boss you around! No one wants that, especially not your husband! You need to devote yourself to learning what your husband wants, not demand or expect him to do all the work of teaching and changing you. You need to follow him; that’s how you show you’re serious about being his wife, that you’re really ready to live for him. You don’t follow him to correct him or fix him or change him; you follow to learn and change and conform yourself to become the helpmeet he is seeking.

Submission isn’t simply following commands—that’s that unpleasant burden no one wants to bear. It’s learning the heart of your leader and being quick to do his will and wishes—without needing to be asked. To be sure, commands and instructions are one avenue through which we learn the heart of our leader. Listening to him talk about things that aren’t commands is also a part of learning who you follow. Jesus’ every conversation with His disciples was not all command and instruction. The more fully you know who your husband is and what he delights in and what he hates, and the more you conform yourself to that likeness, the more he delights in you. You are becoming the extension of him, one with him, that God meant you to be.

Check yourself to see if you’re really submitting to your husband as to the Lord. You may be quite happy with the way things are and not want to lose a “good thing!” That’s fine. It’s still your choice. But don’t fool yourself. If you’re not learning to submit yourself fully to your husband, you’re displaying independence from God—you’re acting as if you do not belong to Jesus. Because Jesus loves you, He’ll likely bring trouble and hardship into your life, into your husband’s life, into your family’s life, to wake you up so you recognize your sin. But He will not wait forever for you to come to your senses. If your husband complains about your lack of submission, you likely are in the wrong and need to make changes. You’d also better check and see how your doing in your submission to Jesus. Jesus very likely is speaking through the mouth of your husband.

Conclusion

Submission really is just another word for following. Following implies lining up behind a leader and going where he goes. That’s all submission is. It just has a vertical orientation: You line up under your leader. Either way, someone else is pointing the direction and you follow their lead.

God’s Word calls us to follow Jesus, to learn from Him, to do what He does and say what He says. So that we come to know Him as He truly is. God’s Word calls each one of us to submit to one another (Ephesians 5:21). To accept help, instruction, guidance, correction from anyone who speaks a true word from God, especially those whom God has appointed as shepherds and overseers of your fellowship. God’s Word calls every wife to submit to her own husband, in the very same way she is supposed to submit to Christ. In the very same way every one of us is supposed to submit to Jesus.

Everything God wants us to know about Himself is recorded in this book we call the Bible. It is now on us to go and learn who He is and what He desires, and to walk in it.

Ladies, don’t make your husband work for your submission. Don’t make your husband labor to teach you who he is. He’s an open book to anyone interested in reading it. If he’s a closed book to you, I can guarantee you, it’s not because he wants to be. Though Scripture may suggest there’s hope to reopen that book, ultimately, this call to submit to your husband isn’t primarily about your relationship with your husband—but about your relationship with Jesus. Jesus asks every one of us to orient and structure our lives entirely around Him. He asks you wives to orient and structure your lives entirely around your husband.

Entrust yourself to Jesus and give yourself completely to know and serve your husband. Do not give way to fear (1 Peter 3:5-6). Do all those things you know he’d like you to do. Be all those things you know he’d like you to be. Make him your life purpose and everything you live for. You were made for him. You belong to him. Give yourself completely to him.