Children Obey
If you haven’t already noticed, no matter who Paul is addressing, we can all learn a thing or two from the instructions given. Today is no different. Or maybe it is. Today we turn to Paul’s instruction for children. It’s pretty obvious, simple and direct. Is it really so hard to understand? Does it really require a whole Sunday message on its own? Listen and see. This command is for you and me, as surely as it is for the little ones among us. From Ephesians 6:1-3.
Children
1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.
To our minds and ears, these instructions have nothing to do with most of us here. We read these instructions and think of the under-18’s among us. This applies to them, not to us. We contrast this word with “adult,” someone who is no longer dependent on his or her parents for provision or shelter or anything else. And that’s where we would be wrong, Biblically speaking.
There are at least four different words that can be translated “child” from the Greek. Two of those words refer specifically to infants or babies, one refers to younger children who are still under strict training, but it is the last that Paul uses here, the most general term for children. The term that includes every one of us. We are all children in this most basic sense. Everyone who has ever lived or will live is the child of someone else. Not one of us sprang from nothing into existence. We all call someone mother and father. Except Adam, yet even he is called the son of God (Luke 3:38).
God calls every younger generation to obey the older generation, latter generations to obey the former generations, child generations to obey parent generations (1 Peter 5:5). There is a preservation, a conservation of truth and righteousness and social norms in that way. If we had held to the morals and standards of our fathers and their fathers and their fathers, on and on, we might yet be holding onto the very truth of God in our everyday life—if we at least began with the Apostles who walked with Christ!
Today, we have been so influenced by the idea that evolution is a fact and always makes things better as time goes on. So we think fresh ideas, new innovations must be better or at least preferable to the old ways. Young people surely learn from the mistakes of the former generation, and because they study new ideas, they are not destined to repeat old mistakes! Sounds so good! Surely it must be true!
But the truth is that evolution is a lie. The original creation, Adam and Eve, were perfect and incredibly capable and gifted. We are a lesser version, a shadow of our original ancestors, filled with all kinds of genetic defects and flaws. Yes, we have compiled much knowledge and data, and built on the ideas of those who came before us. We have made up for the loss of 1,000-year lifespans by writing down our ideas and research, and handing them down to the next generation, to give them a boost, so they don’t have to reinvent the wheel, but can build on what we’ve already figured out. We have advanced in scientific and technological knowledge and devices, but we have not made a better human being, whether in substance or character.
So for latter generations to think of innovating human relations and behaviors, to come up with new ideas that conflict with and cast aside the old, this is not advancement or improvement, but damage and deformation. We think our parents and grandparents were ignorant and backwards because they didn’t have computers and cell phones and video games and streaming services. We’re amazed they survived! But they were the hardy ones! They were the true innovators! We’re just iterators! And we’re crippled by all kinds of allergies and anxieties and moral and social corruption.
God’s intent was that Adam live forever, as head of his kind, ruling, leading, directing all his children and grandchildren, generation after generation, to walk in the ways of the Lord (Genesis 18:18-19). He was to be the eternal emperor of his kind, Mankind. But by giving in to the “new” and contrary wisdom of the serpent, Adam sinned and sold his birthright to the devil (Luke 4:5-7; Ephesians 2:1-3). Until Christ should come, “seed of the woman,” and gain back Man’s lost empire and restore it in submission to God the Father. Christ is the second Adam, the “last Adam” (1 Corinthians 15:45-49). And we must be belong to, be adopted into the last Adam’s family if we desire to remain forever in His kingdom.
We are all children, and there is wisdom in this command for every one of us. It will stretch our brains, but if we’re willing, we’ll be able to recapture the order for society and human relations that God intended from the beginning.
This command is not just for those under 18 years of age. It is for all of us.
We saw Genesis 2:24 (NIV) last week, which says, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” We read that and think, “See! If not before, then certainly when a man gets married, he’s supposed to leave his father and mother. He’s free to live however he desires. He’s no longer bound to his parents.” Except that’s not how anyone who lived closest to it understood and applied that verse! Ours is an interpretation our modern hearts impose on the text. For most of the last 6,000 years, almost every culture everywhere understood it the same way. Not until our modern Western era did we buck the trend.
Look at Jacob with his grown sons, who had their own families, yet they would not return to Egypt without their father Jacob allowing Benjamin to travel with them. They would not go on their own. They would not kidnap Benjamin so that they could provide for their own families. They would not simply point out to Benjamin the need, encourage him to make his own decisions, and together march off to Egypt against their father’s wishes. They would starve to death, if Jacob didn’t relent.
Look at the family of the Recabites, whom God told Jeremiah to gather and give wine to drink. They refused because they held to the oath of their forefather, who many generations earlier commanded that his sons and their descendants should never drink wine, or build houses or own and sow fields, but forever remain as nomads (Jeremiah 35:1-10). And they obeyed, at least down to Jeremiah’s day.
Look at Jesus Himself. We, the Church, are the Bride of Christ, and the wedding of the Lamb will take place after the rapture to inaugurate His kingdom. We will reign with Him for a thousand years. Does He blow off His Father and rule however He desires? No! Even as a grown, married Son, He lives to fulfill the Father’s will (John 5:19-23). He rules and judges as His Father requires—over His Father’s household (Hebrews 3:5-6). And at the end of the thousand years, He hands everything over to the Father so that God may be all in all (1 Corinthians 15:24-28).
The examples are too numerous to cite!
Cain was the first son to be driven away from his family—and it was a curse (Genesis 4:13-14)! An unbearable curse in Cain’s eyes! An outcast. Cut off. A restless wanderer, no longer anchored to the rest of mankind, no more a part of the human race. Without meaning or value. Vulnerable to anyone who wanted to kill him. But he survived. He beat his punishment. He built a city and multiplied, until all the people of his age filled the earth from one end to the other with rebellion and sin and wickedness. And God destroyed that world with an all-consuming flood. Only Noah, his wife and his sons and daughters-in-law survived. Noah who was descended from the righteous line of Adam through Adam’s replacement image-bearing son, Seth (Genesis 5:1-3).
As a wife belongs to her husband and in that finds value and protection and care, so also sons and unmarried daughters are to find their value and meaning and purpose and care from belonging to their fathers and their ancestral families.
A wife belonging to her husband is an illustration of the believer belonging to Christ and being saved by that belonging. So also, the children belonging to the father, members of his family without regard to age, are an illustration of the belonging to Christ that brings salvation. That’s what gives meaning to Jesus calling people either children of God or children of the devil. He’s not only talking about teens and younger, but full-grown adults!
So who do you belong to? Are you your own person? That’s a tragedy! Do you belong to a family? Then understand, you have obligations to your father and his father and his father, on up the chain. As it is for the wife to her husband, so it is for the child to his or her parents, though the married woman transfers her allegiance to her husband and his family. That’s what it means to belong. And the obligation of belonging is obedience, as we’ve already seen.
Do you belong to Christ? Obey Him. Do you belong to a husband? Obey him. Do you belong to parents? Obey them. There is no biblical limit on age. It doesn’t even matter if the parents are still alive!
Obey
“Children”—that’s all of us—“obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.”
The Greek word translated “obey” here means to listen attentively for the purpose of conforming yourself to a command of one in authority over you. It “carries the idea of attentive listening that results in compliant action. It unites two inseparable elements—receptive hearing and responsive doing. In Scripture the term never refers to passive acquiescence; it is purposeful submission to an acknowledged authority” (Topical Lexicon, Bible Hub; https://biblehub.com/greek/5219.htm). Sounds a lot like James (James 1:21-25)!
God appoints parents as the primary authority in the life of every human being. As I mentioned a moment ago, only a woman, when she marries, transfers her submission from her parents to her husband, who should remain under his own parents’ authority. That doesn’t mean her parents are rejected, but they no longer hold the position of authority over and responsibility for her that they did before marriage. This is an incredible picture of our leaving the family of Adam for the family of Christ—marriage is that picture for us! We become the Bride of Christ. We are grafted into His family, His body.
“For as in Adam all die, so in Christ all will be made alive” (1 Corinthians 15:22, NIV). If you remain in Adam’s household, you will suffer eternal destruction. But if you have entered into the household of Christ, you will live forever. We were all born into Adam, but we must not remain there. We must flee to Christ and beg His mercy and welcome, that He would make us His own (Isaiah 4:1). And He will gladly welcome all who flee to Him.
As such, our loyalty and submission shifts from our old family to our new family, from our old self to the new self, from our old father, mere men ruled by the devil, to our new Father, God Himself, through Christ our Lord who is our only way into this new family.
We are called to respond to our parents in obedience. Again, we are not our own. We belong to another. As human beings, we always belong to someone else. Daughters belong to their parents until they are married. Sons always belong to their parents. Each is obligated to listen attentively to the desires and commands of the ones in authority, their parents, and to do them.
A wife who submits fully to her husband brings unity, stability and hope to the family. Sons—even adult sons—who submit fully to their parents bring unity, stability and hope to a family of families and generations of a family.
And in the same way that a wife’s submission to her husband likely characterizes her own faith, trust and submission to God, so also the quality of obedience of children—even adult children—to their parents likely reflects and reveals the quality of their obedience to God.
If adult children listened to their own parents, they would avoid a lot of the pitfalls and failures of those who act as if it is up to them to discover all over again how to navigate young adulthood and marriage and parenting and middle age and onward. Even unredeemed parents have wisdom and guidance that their own children can benefit from. If adult children included parents in their spouse-seeking endeavors, much pain could be avoided, including that of broken marriages and shattered children. Especially if those parents love the Lord Jesus and His Word and live by it!
In the Lord
But Paul adds this little “in the Lord” to his instruction. God commanded that wives submit to their own husband “as to the Lord” (Ephesians 5:22, NIV). In a few more verses, we’ll see God command slaves to obey their master as they would obey Christ (Ephesians 6:5). Both of those characterize the obedience as absolute and unconditional.
But to us children, God commands us to “obey your parents in the Lord.” Is there a difference?
Considering a wider scope of Scripture, especially in light of this command being to adult children as well as pre-adult children, I would say, yes, there is a difference.
One question to consider: Exactly what is “in the Lord” modifying? Should it be understood as, “Children in the Lord obey your parents”? That implies that only believing children are required to obey their parents, and that would be difficult to support from Scripture. Should it be understood as “obey your parents who are in the Lord”? Then the Lord is commanding that children only need to obey parents who believe in Jesus, and that would be difficult to support from Scripture.
The character and nature of God requires that all children everywhere, regardless of salvation status, must obey their parents—regardless of the salvation status of those parents. Authority does not reside only in those persons who believe in Jesus, but in all persons who hold a position of authority. And all people everywhere—especially Christians—are required by God to obey those in authority (Romans 13:1-7; 1 Peter 2:13-14). In effect, there is a baseline of complete and unconditional obedience to anyone in authority, regardless of who you are and who they are.
So if “in the Lord” doesn’t restrict who is required to obey and doesn’t restrict who is supposed to be obeyed, then it must qualify the obedience itself. That is consistent with the nature and character of God and the full teaching of Scripture. Because we know that complete and unconditional obedience to whoever is in authority over us does not mean that we Believers are allowed to sin because our authority commanded disobedience to God. On the contrary, we should be diligent to do everything we can to obey those who have been placed over us, but be willing to suffer the consequences of disobedience to human authorities if we’re asked to do something against God and His Word. And suffer such consequences with hope (1 Peter 2:15-21; Ephesians 6:7-8).
But there’s more than that. There is a kind of “disobedience” that is approved by God for children that is not granted or afforded to wives and slaves.
You may recall Jesus at one point calling a potential disciple to follow Him, but that man replied, “Lord, first let me go and bury my father” (Luke 9:59, NIV). It was quite likely that the father was not actually dead yet. Perhaps all signs pointed to his passing soon. Or perhaps this man just wanted to be a good and loyal son and fulfill all his natural and normal obligations to his father, however long that might keep him, before he left his home to follow Jesus. This obedience would be good and right. But in this case, there was something better, something far more important.
“Jesus said to him, ‘Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and proclaim the kingdom of God.’” (Luke 9:60, NIV)
The only case I can think of where God would honor a man or woman for disobeying their normal, God-honoring responsibilities toward parents is to give themselves to the greater mandate to “go and proclaim the kingdom of God.” Not for just anything. Not to pursue a more pleasurable life or preferred career or any other humanly-justifiable deviation from parental will, but only to serve God’s higher purpose: going and proclaiming the Gospel of Jesus Christ.
That is the only thing worth risking your relationship with parents. And Jesus warned His followers about the potential fall-out from such a choice (Matthew 10:21, 34-36). This aligns with Matthew 10:37-39 (NIV):
Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.
The one who loves Jesus must accept this command to obey parents—not blindly or to the exclusion or violation of God’s will. God must be first in all things. We obey parents because God commands it. And if seeking God leads a child to leave home and family, parents and (I would say grown) children, ideally, he does so with the blessing of believing parents, who would then of course be extremely proud.
For, the kind of conflict promised earlier in Matthew 10 is only likely if the parents do not believe in Jesus Christ. But if we’re more concerned about protecting the relationship with the parents than serving the Lord Jesus, then we have a serious spiritual problem. A wife cannot similarly walk away from her husband and family and consider herself faithfully obeying Christ—unless her husband abandons her (1 Corinthians 7:10-17). A slave cannot similarly walk away from his master and consider himself a faithful follower of Christ (Philemon 1:8-19). Only a child, in particular an adult child, can “obey your parents in the Lord” and find yourself at odds with unbelieving parents as you seek to fulfill the Great Commission.
This kind of complete and unconditional obedience to parents that may grow into abandonment of home and hearth for the sake of the Gospel is truly “right” in the eyes of the Lord. “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.”
Honor
2 "Honor your father and mother"—which is the first commandment with a promise—3 "that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth."
Paul now backs up this instruction with a quote from the Old Testament, and I want you to see something here: By quoting the Fifth of the Ten Commandments here (Exodus 20:12; Deuteronomy 5:16), God is revealing what true honor entails.
By linking the Fifth Commandment with his instruction for children to obey parents, Paul is telling us that obedience is honor and honor requires obedience. Honor is not just a feeling or an attitude. Honor begets a response of obedience. In fact, there is no honor without obedience. The definition and sense of the Greek word translated “obey” in verse one told us the very same thing: compliance toward one in authority, including parents.
God the Father shows the connection between obedience and honor all the way back in Numbers 14:11. When the people refused to obey Him and go in to take Canaan, the Lord asked, “How long will these people treat me with contempt? How long will they refuse to believe in me, in spite of all the miraculous signs I have performed among them?” To disbelieve the Lord such that we do not obey His commands, that is dishonor, that is contempt for God.
Jesus affirmed this truth in John 12:47-48: “As for the person who hears my words but does not keep them, I do not judge him. For I did not come to judge the world, but to save it. There is a judge for the one who rejects me and does not accept my words; that very word which I spoke will condemn him at the last day.” To refuse to keep Jesus’ words is to reject Him, and results in condemnation. To accept Jesus’ words requires keeping them, doing what He says.
The Fifth Commandment, “honor your father and mother,” is not a command to have some form of esteem for them, some respectful feeling for them. It is a command to obey them! There is no biblical transition from a youth that is required to obey parents to an adult required only to have some feeling of “honor” toward parents.
It is this honor that begets obedience that brings about a promise: “that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.” By doing as your parents instruct, as we hope they pass on the wisdom and guidance they received from their own parents, latter generations are protected by the earlier generations, especially if the earliest generations began with obedience to the wisdom and ways of God, and the intervening generations held fast to their instruction.
In such a case, their wisdom not only protects us from error and offending God, but enables us to prosper, if for no other reason than that God is blessing those who walk in His ways. “That it may go well with you and you may enjoy long life on the earth.”
That promise does not find it’s perfect fulfillment in this life. And neither should we look for it in the here and now. We may experience a pleasant and long life here, but that’s not where our hope should be pinned. As the writer of Hebrews says of Abraham, “Instead, they were longing for a better country—a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them” (Hebrews 11:16, NIV). We should be looking forward to and living for our eternal heavenly home.
Ultimately, that’s what this promise is looking to: the reign of Christ and His eternal kingdom. As we have seen in Matthew 10 and elsewhere, “In fact, everyone who wants to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted” (2 Timothy 3:12, NIV). Walking in full obedience to Jesus Christ, which is what our parents should be commanding, will more likely bring us trouble in this world (John 16:33). But in the next world, “He [God] will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away” (Revelation 21:4, NIV). It will truly and permanently go well with us and we will enjoy eternally-enduring life on the new earth.
As the Apostle John says in his first letter, “Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when he appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is. Everyone who has this hope in him purifies himself, just as he is pure” (1 John 3:2-3, NIV). The hope of Christ’s return and the establishment of His kingdom and our completed transformation and all the related promises should be the hope that controls and transforms how we live today: “Everyone who has his hope in him purifies himself, just as he [Christ] is pure.”
It is sad but true that today we have made such a mess of life and truth by adopting wisdom from all kinds of worldly and devilish sources rather than remaining faithful to the wisdom that came originally from God. But we have a remedy. God graciously recorded all He desired to teach us in the book we call the Bible. So we have the ability to check whatever wisdom has been passed on to us and whatever “new” wisdom yet comes our way against the Scriptures to see if it agrees with and aligns with God’s Truth. We can identify “earthly, natural, demonic” (James 3:15, NASB) wisdom residing in our own hearts and cast it out.
In our desire to honor and obey our parents, we may find our parents to be in the grip of such godless wisdom. In love for them, we should respectfully and humbly seek a conversation about it, to clarify what their intent is and whether it is truly in violation of God’s intent. If so, we need to graciously, humbly, respectfully alter course to follow God’s Word and attempt to expose our parents to God’s Truth. If that brings us into conflict with our parents, we don’t have to become embittered against them, though they may be furious with us. That is what Jesus meant in Matthew 10.
But neither does it mean we are free to completely cast them and their instruction aside. Now we’re in violation of this command. On the contrary, anything they desire of us, expect of us, request of us, if it does not conflict with God’s Word or hinder God’s higher calling which we’ve answered, we should be doing it. That’s what this command tells us.
If, however, our parents’ instruction is not in conflict with God’s Word, yet the truth is we don’t want to follow them, then again, it is we who are in sin, breaking God’s command, showing contempt not just for parents but for God Himself. Life may still go well for us, but it won’t be God’s blessing, but Satan’s distraction to keep us from repentance, to cut us off from the true and fullest fulfillment of God’s promise that flows from honoring parents.
Conclusion
- We are all children, so this command applies to us all
- Obedience is conforming ourselves to the instruction of our parents, doing what they ask
- The only God-approved “disobedience” is to be set apart to proclaim the Gospel
- True honor of parents means obedience to them
- Following parental ways and directives ensures God’s promise to bless our lives, ultimately in eternity
We’ve already seen that the husband-wife relationship reflects and should be patterned after Christ’s own relationship with us, the Church. The whole family structure flows from, reveals and reflects the character and nature of God (Ephesians 3:14-15). Therefore, we are not free to create our own family structures and dynamics, but must abide by God’s own practices and ways. God is a god of order (1 Corinthians 14:33-40). Authority flows from husband to wife, from parents to children. For the Christian family to testify of the true nature and wisdom of God, wives must submit to their husbands, husbands must submit to Christ, and children must submit to parents. If everyone does their part, not only will there be great peace within the family, but blessing from God.
If instead, each one of us practices some form of independence, whether a husband leading without thought of Christ, a wife living for her own wants and wishes, or children casting their parents’ wisdom and will behind their backs to follow whatever teacher or teaching sounds good to them, then they are also living independently of God. They do not belong to Christ; they cannot belong to Christ because they do not honor Him by living as He commands. They are rather following the rebellious prince of the power of the air, the father of lies himself, the devil (Ephesians 2:2). They still belong to him.
We each know where we have cast off parental restraint or direction. If there is no Biblical basis for that rejection, then now is the time to repent and return to what your parents called you to. It doesn’t matter if they have passed from this life. It doesn’t matter how old you are. In fact, the youngest among us are learning from us how they ought to treat us once they reach 18. They’re looking at dad and how he relates to Jesus and His commands. They’re looking at mom and how she relates to dad and his instructions. They are looking at mom and dad to see how they respond to their own parents.
God calls children to obey parents. What is your example teaching the children around you?