Fathers Train
When Paul and Silas promised the Philippian jailer that he and all his household would be saved if he believed in the Lord Jesus, there’s more there than we’re prepared to see. Dads are key to the salvation and sanctification of their children. If you and I want our children to spend eternity with us in heaven, then we must accept and conform ourselves to God’s design for the family, including and especially today’s truth and instruction. This command isn’t just about fathers; it’s about the whole structure of the family. From Ephesians 6:4.
Fathers
4 Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.
First up, Dads, I want to say I’m sorry, because a lot falls on your shoulders. A dad is first a husband, then a father. As husband, you’re tasked with leading and training your wife into ever deepening spiritual growth and maturity. That’s why we need our wife to submit to us and follow us. Anything else just makes our burden heavier. Now Paul makes us responsible for the training and instruction of our children. It is, of course, a natural outworking of our responsibility for our wife. And these two responsibilities prepare and train us to be leaders in God’s Family, the Church. It all fits and works together.
The word for “fathers” here is the word for father. It is not a generic term for parent. It does not mean “mothers and fathers;” it means the male parent. The father. Dad, you are the head of your household and responsible for what its members do and become.
Interestingly, there is no corresponding command to mothers, apart from what we’ve already seen in Titus 2:3-5 (NIV):
Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.
There is no other command specifically addressed to mothers.
So what does that mean? Does it mean that mothers need no such command? They just naturally do everything God wants them to do? Do mothers naturally understand exactly how to parent their children? No, of course not. Both mothers and fathers need to grow in their knowledge and understanding of God, in order to grow more perfect in their parenting, and in their own walk with God.
No, the command to mothers came in the previous chapter: “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord” (Ephesians 5:22, NIV). A wife is called to help her husband fulfill his responsibility to train up his children in the Lord’s ways. She may need to fill in gaps missing from whatever her husband fails to teach, but her purpose isn’t to supplant her husband or contradict him or compete with him. She must never tear her husband down, either by word or by deed. Her purpose and goal must be to help her husband train his children in the ways of God. Not just by words, but by example, modeling submission, honor and respect to and for Christ through her own submission to and honor and respect for her husband. In the best of circumstances, her husband loves and honors Jesus Christ as much as she does, so they are truly united, working as one to train up their children to walk with Christ.
Mothers, you need to understand this command to the fathers, so that you can recognize and work on becoming the helper he needs you to be, and work on bringing in the right supporting teaching to help raise your children to walk with God.
Fathers and mothers both give commands and instructions to their children, and children are to keep the commands of both! Proverbs is filled with a call to remain faithful to the instructions and commands of both parents (for example, 1:8; 6:20; 23:22; 30:17). And by way of review from last week, those commands and instructions are to be held to even into adulthood. Adulthood doesn’t give a child license to forget his or her parents’ instructions! Ideally, there is no conflict between the instructions of the two parents. Hopefully just different emphases but a united and complete message.
If there is conflict between the two messages, the child will need to discern the actual will of God from the Word of God, the Bible. He or she must not play favorites or play off one parent against the other. And he or she must be ready to accept the consequences of following the Lord in defiance of one or the other parent—or even both parents. Again, I’m talking about adult children.
But moms, you have some sensibilities that must be brought into subjection to your husband, whom you may characterize as harsh. He might indeed be harsh. But you may also be interpreting things through your own “tender feelings” filter. That would not be right either. That, sadly, leads to excusing sin and disobedience, which leads to greater sin and ultimate condemnation. God is a God of order (1 Corinthians 14:33), and He has designed and ordained the father to lead in the training of his children. You help him. Don’t hinder him. Don’t undo what God is trying to accomplish through your husband. Understand the character, nature and goals of God, so that you can work in sync with your husband.
Neither fathers nor mothers will be perfect in this process, which is why it continues far beyond just 18 years of “childhood.” Remember Hebrews 12:9-11 (NIV):
Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
Fathers discipline as they think best—as an expression of God’s own perfect discipline. They may not have everything right, but still, if we children submit ourselves to be trained by it—both God’s and our father’s discipline—together they produce “a harvest of righteousness and peace.” Did you hear that? Righteousness and peace! If nothing else, it is learning to submit to the one in authority over us—which is ultimately God Himself. That learning to submit and take direction—even direction we don’t like!—will allow us to grow in true righteousness and bring us peace, not just with God but as a reward from God.
Do Not Exasperate
So what exactly is Paul requiring of us fathers? The first thing is not to exasperate our children. Another, perhaps clearer way of translating that command is, “Do not provoke your children to anger.”
OK, wow. Does that mean I can never issue a command, make a request or correct my child in such a way that makes them angry? Must I make sure my child can never get upset over anything I say or do—or fail to say or do? That would give complete control to the children—definitely not what Paul means (Isaiah 3:1-5)!
Let me ask this question: Of the two, young child and grown parent, which should have a better understanding of what is good and what is evil? The child or the parent? Which is likely more a slave to his or her feelings and passions, the parent or the child? Which one should understand God better? Who needs the most correction and training?
This gets down to the most basic understanding of human nature: Do you believe children are born innocent or with a sin nature? Are children born blank slates or captives to sin?
You look at that newborn child and think surely this little one is pure, innocent, undefiled by the evil of this world! But it doesn’t take long before you’re asking yourself who taught your wonderful child to lie? Who taught your child that hitting and biting were great ways to get what they wanted? It quickly becomes apparent that you must teach sharing and kindness—because stealing and fighting show up without invitation!
Your child naturally thinks that the world revolves around them, that they are the main character in their own movie. And you and I as parents either reinforce that by our parenting choices or we doggedly train them that they have come into a world that doesn’t belong to them, but to those who are older and wiser. Ultimately, to God, the oldest and wisest.
God says that folly is bound up in the heart of a child (Proverbs 22:15). How’d it get there? When did it move in? Unfortunately, that’s the nature we inherit from Adam, and as young children, undisciplined children, we don’t know it’s something to be rejected, fought and overcome. That’s why God entrusts children to adults, and children do best when their parents fear, honor and obey the Lord.
That means as parents, as fathers and mothers, we’re going to come in conflict with the innate, sin-controlled will of our child. Our instruction, our correction, our training will provoke a child to anger. But that’s not wrong. That’s an unfortunate but necessary process, as anyone who knows God and His Word recognizes.
So what exasperation is Paul telling us to avoid? In Colossians 3:21, Paul puts it a little differently, but these are the same instructions. “Do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged” (NIV). What Paul has in mind are things we can do as fathers that lead our children to bitterness and possibly also discouragement, so they give up seeking God and trying to please Him.
What are some ways we can exasperate our children to that degree? I don’t pretend to know them all, nor do I have time to list them all, but here are a few of the big ways we can do that, so these would be some big things we must avoid.
Division
The number one way? Mom, Dad, ignore what we’ve talked about for the last few weeks. Don’t be on the same page. Don’t be united. Mom, argue with Dad. Debate him, disagree with him, especially in front of the children! Expect your husband to support your every instruction, but don’t give him the same courtesy. Don’t allow your husband to have a different opinion or response than your own. Require him to trust your analysis and go with your conclusion. Don’t let him decide. You’ll end up with a dad who checks out, if he doesn’t abandon you completely.
I know that puts you in a tough spot, Dad, if your wife is not fully submitted to you. Do you go toe-to-toe with her, whether in public or in private? Do you fight to establish your God-required responsibility to rule your own family? If you roll over, you’ve abdicated. If you and your wife have a public power-struggle (and it’ll be obvious even when you think your kids don’t see), you’re already divided, and “a house divided cannot stand” (Matthew 12:25).
There is only one solution where everyone wins: Wife, submit to your husband. It’s all connected.
Deception
Here’s some more low-hanging fruit: “Like a madman shooting firebrands or deadly arrows, so is a man who deceives his neighbor and says, ‘I was only joking’” (Proverbs 26:17-18, NIV). There are fun games we can play with our little ones, and you can watch their frustration building. Offer a toy, then yank it back when they reach for it. Funny, huh? Do it enough times and the baby begins to cry. What do you do then? Give it to them? Well, you’re teaching them that crying gets them what they want—that’s a lesson you’ll come to regret. Don’t give it to them and gloat over your power? So you find joy in the torment of those weaker than you? What does that say about you?
It’s just a game, right? It’s just a joke! Young children don’t understand the concept of a “deception” joke as well as adults do.
“Everyone in the car!” you say. “Where are we going?” the kids ask. “Disneyland!” “Yay!” “Oh, nope, sorry, we’re just going to the grocery store.”
You create an expectation you don’t intend to fulfill, and dash it just like that. Doesn’t have to be big things. It can be small things too. We don’t just do that with jokes, but also with careless promises. “Wouldn’t it be fun to go to the fair this weekend?” We don’t realize we’re setting them up for disappointment, because we’re not actually planning to go. Just throwing out ideas. Same with promises we intend to keep, but end up forgetting or choosing to break in favor of a “more important” need.
That doesn’t just go for promises of good things, but also of punishment. “Clean up your room or I’ll knock you into next week.” Really? What are we saying? Is it an empty, meaningless threat because we have no power to do that, or something meant to inspire real fear? Why not just promise an actual punishment that you can and will carry out if your instruction isn’t obeyed? Jesus used hyperbole with adults, not children.
You know what you’re teaching them? You can’t be trusted. You can’t be believed. And if you can’t be trusted or believed, guess what they come to believe about God? Yep! Can’t believe or trust His Word either! If you want your children to believe you—and God!—always speak the truth, always speak what you can and will do. And always do what you say (Psalm 15:4). If you have to break a promise, then follow Proverbs 6:2-5 and plead with them to release you from your bond.
Inconsistency
Other ways we can frustrate, exasperate, embitter and discourage our children: Be inconsistent in word and deed.
If something is wrong on one day, it should be wrong on every day. If something deserves one punishment today, it should require the same every day. If something is punished quickly one day, it should be punished just as quickly every day. Standards of right and wrong shouldn’t change from day to day. Or from how you feel from day to day.
You may need to change a standard or rule or consequence. You may need to establish a brand new rule or requirement. If needed and not arbitrary, that’s fine. But whenever there is a change, whether a reevaluation or a new rule or a new requirement, be sure to lay it out clearly. Provide training. Provide warning. Explain why the change is being made. Don’t just spring it on them, or else they won’t understand why they just got in trouble. You’ll look arbitrary. They’ll feel like they can’t trust you.
Never require something of your children that you haven’t first trained them to do. Never get angry at them for failing to complete a task correctly that you haven’t first shown them how to complete. Never require of them something they are incapable of accomplishing. Don’t set them up for failure, but for success. Help them learn and do what you intend to require of them.
Your children need to obey you whether they understand your reasons or not. But the older they are, the more they need to understand that there is reason and logic and love and care behind your instructions. You don’t want to train them just to be robots, or just to live in fear of you, but to understand and begin to reason through how they should treat you and others. Then they learn your heart and they learn God’s heart, and they come to obey from the heart (John 15:14-15). They are our closest disciples, that we’re training to work alongside us to help us complete the tasks God has given us (Matthew 28:19-20).
Humility
Only Jesus is perfect, so we’ll screw things up one way or another. Doesn’t have to be the end of the world. Humility on both sides can go a long way to healing, restoring or preserving relationships.
I pointed out Matthew 10 last week. Remember that Jesus was speaking to His disciples, who were fully trained by Him, when He warned them that He brought a sword that would divide even their families! While our purpose is to train up our children in the way they should go (Proverbs 22:6)—God’s ways—it is still up to our children to choose whether they will follow the Lord to the same degree that we do.
God illustrates His judgment on the righteous and the wicked with the example of a father who does everything right, yet then has a son who rebels against his father’s example and does everything wrong. The son then has a son who sees the wickedness of his father and rejects it, choosing instead to do what is just and right in the eyes of the Lord (Ezekiel 18). Even if we do everything right, we may still have children who reject our example. No one is saved by the faith of another. They might enjoy blessing and favor in this life, but that is not a promise of eternal life. Each individual must choose to believe and obey the Lord for their own salvation.
The soul who sins is the one who will die, just as surely as the soul who is righteous can only save his own soul, not the souls of his children by his own righteousness. We can train our children how they should walk, but we cannot choose salvation for them. They alone can do that.
We should not frustrate our children and drive them from the Lord. If they still live, there remains a chance of repairing the damage. It will take humility on both sides, but you can only control yourself. You can reach out and seek to mend the relationship. You can identify where you went wrong, confess it, renounce it and work on changing whatever was wrong in you. They may or may not see it, believe it, receive it. But ultimately, your repentance isn’t to win your children back to you or to the Lord, but for the assurance of your own salvation.
Training and Instruction
So enough of what we’re not supposed to do. What should we do? “Bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.”
You’ll recognize “bring them up” from our discussion about husbands “feeding” their wives. It means not just to feed, but to raise up to maturity, spiritual maturity in this context. Much easier to see and understand here, right? There is the basic provision of food and clothing and shelter, but that’s not really what Paul has in mind here. Those things are so basic that all but the very wicked do it. There’s no need for a command to do that. What Christian fathers—and mothers—need to understand is that the most important thing we need to raise our children in and provide for them is God and His ways.
Paul is restating God’s expectation on Abraham: “Abraham will surely become a great and powerful nation, and all nations on earth will be blessed through him. For I have chosen him, so that he will direct his children and his household after him to keep the way of the LORD by doing what is right and just, so that the LORD will bring about for Abraham what he has promised him” (Genesis 18:18-19, NIV).
We are required by God to “direct our children” and grandchildren and great-grandchildren, on and on, “to keep the way of the Lord by doing what is right and just.” We have more revelation than Abraham had. God has made clear through the Law and the Prophets—the whole Old Testament and the New Testament—how He wants us to live and how He wants us to treat others and how He wants us to honor and serve Him. We have everything we need, not just for life and godliness, but for training our children to live a godly life.
God is not concerned about academic training or vocational training or athletic training or artistic training or any other kind of training. God cares most about every child in our household coming to know Him and learning to walk in His ways. That needs to be more important to you and me than any other subject of study. Those other skills and abilities are not wrong or sinful, but if they are more important than ensuring that our child or grandchild walks in God’s ways, then we are in danger of condemning our children to enjoy 80 or 90 years of life on this earth, then an eternity of torment in Hell. Who of us wants that for our children or grandchildren?
I’m sure, however, that you feel confused and overwhelmed. It seems everyone has a different idea about what God wants and how best to train our children. I understand. To be sure, until and unless you push away all the noise of everyone’s expert opinions and techniques, and immerse yourself wholly in the Scriptures, allowing God’s Word to teach and guide you, you will not be able to discern which human ideas are in line with God’s purposes and goals—and which are unhelpful, even harmful.
I certainly don’t have enough time this morning to cover all that the Bible teaches about parenting, but I can give you some key points.
First off, the word translated “training” means instruction, education and training but also disciplinary chastisement—punishment whose goal is to turn a child away from wrong behavior and motivate them to walk in right ways. The second word, translated “instruction” here, means admonition, instruction, warning. There is both a need for “positive” teaching of what is good and right: “This is what you need to do.” “This is how to do it.” There is also a need for “negative” rebuke that corrects wrong ideas and actions. “That is wrong.” “You must not do that.” “If you continue to do that, there will be consequences.”
Any parenting that lacks both aspects will fail to attain God’s goals. You cannot train anyone to walk in God’s righteous ways by simply teaching what is right and using “positive” encouragement. “A servant cannot be corrected by mere words; though he understands, he will not respond” (Proverbs 29:19). What is true of servants is true for all of us, and even more for children. The joy of sin is far more powerful than we care to admit.
Something else we need to understand in this day and age: We can and should recognize people, whether they are good or evil, by their actions. We must identify clearly who is good and who is evil—not to condemn them, but so that we know how to help them—and whether they can be helped. And whether they are an influence we want ourselves or our children to be around. The person who tells you not to judge them is actually saying they don’t want to change. They need to be warned that they’re on the path to destruction.
Proverbs 20:11 says, “Even a child is known by his actions, by whether his conduct is pure and right.” The word translated “child” is what you’re used to, an adolescent or younger. Young children can be known by their actions, which means we need to be teaching them right actions as early as possible. We shouldn’t be making excuses for them, or hoping they’ll “grow out of it.” We need to take seriously that what we’re seeing in them at whatever age is what they essentially are at that moment. We need to provide age-appropriate instruction, correction and discipline to help them say “no” to sinful behavior and “yes” to godly behavior. If we put off that training and correction, we allow them to deepen the grooves of sinful ways, which become ever harder to break out of.
Proverbs is filled with God-given wisdom for raising children. Read it. Believe it. Obey it.
Deuteronomy 6 lays out the basics of child-training:
Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates. (Deuteronomy 6:4-9, NIV)
You’ll notice that child-training begins with you and me. We must love the Lord our God with all our heart and soul and strength. His commandments must be upon our hearts—we must be committed to knowing and doing what God instructs. Then we’ll be able to impress God’s ways on our children, both by word and by example! We should be able to say with Paul, “Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ” (1 Corinthians 11:1, NIV). God, His Word, His ways should fill our own thoughts and our conversation with our children. That should be central to us and to the training of our children.
Our children and grandchildren see what matters most to us by what occupies our thoughts, what fills our conversation, what consumes our days. Dads, our children pattern their lives most after our example. As much as our wives step up to cover for our lack of Christian parenting, our children are looking at us—you and me—to see what matters most to us.
Neither is it so complicated to fill our lives and days with God’s Word. You don’t have to understand the whole Bible and everything it teaches before you can train your children. You can learn right alongside them. Sit down together—daily, several times a day—and read a chapter of the Bible. Talk about what God is telling His people to be and do. You don’t need to get every command or illustration figured out in one sitting. You have years to go through the Bible again and again! Each time you read, focus just on one thing to work on together, as a family or as individuals. Talk about how to put God’s instruction into practice, then go do it—together and as individuals!
Conclusion
- Fathers are tasked by God to train their children in God’s ways; mothers help
- Do not frustrate and discourage your children by disunity between husband and wife or unreliable or unfair standards, or any other means
- Teach, train and discipline your children to know God and walk in obedience to His Word
- It’s never too late to begin
Dad, don’t leave it to your wife to do this. You lead your family in this! She can have her own Bible time with the kids; that’s fine. But you need to show your children every day how important it is to you to read and understand and put into practice what God is saying in His Word.
Listen to part of an article from Crosswalk about a study done years ago (https://www.crosswalk.com/faith/spiritual-life/fathers-the-greatest-influence-1402532.html):
A rather obscure but important study conducted by the Swiss government in 1994 and published in 2000 revealed some astonishing facts with regard to the generational transmission of faith and religious values. In short the study reveals that "It is the religious practice of the father of the family that, above all, determines the future attendance at or absence from church of the children."
The study reported:
"If both father and mother attend regularly, 33 percent of their children will end up as regular churchgoers, and 41 percent will end up attending irregularly. Only a quarter of their children will end up not practicing at all.
If the father is irregular and mother regular, only 3 percent of the children will subsequently become regulars themselves, while a further 59 percent will become irregulars. Thirty-eight percent will be lost.
If the father is non-practicing and mother regular, only 2 percent of children will become regular worshippers, and 37 percent will attend irregularly. Over 60 percent of their children will be lost completely to the church!"Let us look at the figures the other way round. What happens if the father is regular but the mother irregular or non-practicing? Extraordinarily, the percentage of children becoming regular goes up from 33 percent to 38 percent with the irregular mother and to 44 percent with the non-practicing, as if loyalty to father's commitment grows in proportion to mother's laxity or indifference to religion.
In short, if a father does not go to church, no matter how faithful his wife's devotions, only one child in 50 will become a regular worshipper. If a father does go regularly, regardless of the practice of the mother, between two-thirds and three-quarters of their children will become churchgoers (regular and irregular).
Dads, you don’t just matter, you’re the key. You’re in the driver’s seat when it comes to the faith and training of your children. If God doesn’t matter to you and me, chances are slim He’ll ever matter to our children. Apart from the intervening grace of God—which is no guarantee—almost all will be lost to eternal torment.
Moms, you need to do everything you can to honor and obey your husband. If he cannot lead and guide you—if you’re not humble and teachable to his leading—he’ll likely lose heart and not bother trying to teach his children. If home is a battleground for him, if your treatment of him undoes anything he might try to accomplish, you’re tearing your home down with your own hands (Proverbs 14:1). You’re not going to turn things around by nagging him to step up, to go to church, to teach the children about Jesus. But you might turn things around by submitting fully to him and honoring him in all you say and do, no matter who’s around to see and hear it (1 Peter 3:1-2).
If your husband isn’t walking with God and teaching the children, you can and should step up and teach both by word and by example. Just make sure your example aligns with all we’ve been learning over these past several weeks and more.