Master Your Mouth
In the previous verse, which we looked at a couple weeks ago, we saw for the thief that putting off the old self and putting on the new was so clear and obvious. Paul has another bellwether of old-self versus new-self: The Tongue. Maybe stealing wasn’t a problem for us, but how about our speech? Yet is it fair for God to judge us for what comes out of our mouths? Can we really get control of our tongue or is Paul expecting too much from us? From Ephesians 4:29.
Control Your Speech
29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
As with anger, we are in charge of what we say: The Believer in Jesus Christ must set a guard over his or her mouth and let no unwholesome thing come out of it. But wait! James says this is impossible!
Not many of you should presume to be teachers, my brothers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly. We all stumble in many ways. If anyone is never at fault in what he says, he is a perfect man, able to keep his whole body in check. When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell. All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and creatures of the sea are being tamed and have been tamed by man, but no man can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be. Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring? My brothers, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water. (James 3:1-12, NIV)
Is James right? He can’t be wrong! The human tongue is “a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire!” Does that shock you? Does that terrify you? Perhaps that is James’ point.
“With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing.” Is he describing you or someone else? Of course he’s speaking to you and me! “My brothers, this should not be!” Even James says we should not let unwholesome things, like cursing men, come from our mouths.
“But no man can tame the tongue!” Wow! OK. I guess we’re off the hook!
No. James is not excusing our inability to tame our tongues. He’s rebuking us who refuse to make it the priority it ought to be.
Remember what Jesus said when He talked about how hard it was for a rich man to be saved? “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible” (Matthew 19:26, NIV). He doesn’t say that only the salvation of rich men is possible with God, but “all things are possible.” Consider His teaching on faith, when His disciples couldn’t cast the epileptic demon out of a boy (Matthew 17:19-20, NIV):
Then the disciples came to Jesus in private and asked, "Why couldn't we drive it out?" He replied, "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."
“If you have faith as small as a mustard seed...nothing will be impossible for you!” We love to remind ourselves how small a mustard seed is. So do you realize how easy it is to get mastery over the tongue?
Paul isn’t asking the impossible of us. He is instructing those who are indwelt by the Holy Spirit, who have been made new, “created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness” (Ephesians 4:24, NIV), he’s instructing those people to allow no unwholesome thing to come out of their mouths. Because it is entirely possible for them.
If you confess you cannot gain mastery over your mouth, do you realize you what you are saying? Either you are denying that you belong to Jesus Christ, that you have been made new by faith in Jesus Christ, that you have the Holy Spirit dwelling in you. Or you’re confessing that you don’t think it all that important to follow the Lord’s instructions. Friends, the end of either of those ways is eternal condemnation.
This is not an impossible command, not for the true believer in Jesus Christ. It is expected and required. And if you read the rest of James 3, you’ll see he agrees with Paul: “Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom” (James 3:13, NIV).
Self-Control
29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths,
As with anger, the first step to victory is exercising self-control. Did you know that’s something that comes from the Spirit of God who dwells in us who believe? Check Galatians 5:22-23: The fruit of the Spirit includes self-control! And patience, kindness and gentleness. All of those work together to help us gain mastery over our tongue and the things that come out of our mouths.
If you have patience, you don’t need to blurt out everything that comes to mind, especially those less than stellar words! If you have kindness and gentleness—and love for others—you would never dare to say anything cruel or unkind! And if you have self-control, you have complete control over when your mouth speaks and when it doesn’t. By the power of the Spirit, we’re in complete control, and we are fully responsible for everything that comes from our mouths.
Many years ago, as we were preparing to return to China after a furlough in the US, I was talking to my brother, saying goodbyes. And out of the blue, he tells me that I had deeply offended our step-mother. “What? How? When?” I had no idea! The day we landed back in the US, we came to stay with my parents. Me, Rachel, our oldest son and our twins. Apparently, when I saw what they offered us, on the way down the stairs I said to Rachel, who was already downstairs, that the sleeping arrangements were “unacceptable.” It was loud enough for my step-mom to hear.
My parents had vacated their master bedroom suite for us. They had a large walk-in closet where they had arranged two cribs for the twins, and we could bed our oldest down on a futon on top of thick-pile American carpet. It was incredibly lavish and amazingly generous.
You know the only thing I remember from that stay? How comfortable and welcoming my parents were, how kind they were to give up their bedroom for us. I had nothing but good feelings and memories from our stay there. Until my brother said what he did.
I was completely shocked and embarrassed. My step-mom never said a word! We had gone on to visit family, friends and supporters all over the West and Mid-West. We’d been in the States for months! I had no memory of that first day in their home. But it made a lasting impression on my step-mom.
I was totally jet-lagged that day, after 12 or 15 or more hours on airplanes, navigating airports and flights with three kids under 3. I had apparently looked things over then come down to find Rachel and give her my less than flattering assessment. I was doing everything I could to keep myself together until I could get everyone settled, but apparently, I didn’t keep a tight reign on my thoughts and my tongue.
We were back in their area, staying with friends before we flew back to China. So I made a beeline over there and asked my step-mom if what my brother said was true. It was. I was crushed!
There was no excuse. Not jetlag, not little children. Nothing. I would have done so much better if I’d just kept my mouth shut for a few more hours! Why did I have to blurt that out? Had I just kept my thoughts to myself and gotten a night’s sleep, everything would have been fine. Of course I apologized and asked her forgiveness, but I don’t think I’ll ever live that down.
Remember Thumper? You know, the rabbit from Bambi? His dad taught him a powerful lesson, worthy of Paul: “If you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all!” That’s a key first step, first principle, if we want to change the kinds of things that come out of our mouths. Just keeping our mouths shut would save us a ton of embarrassment and shame, and save those around us a ton of heartache.
Change the Source
James gives some insight as to why “unwholesome” things come out of our mouths: “Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water” (James 3:12, NIV). The things that come out of the mouth reveal the condition and character of the source of the tongue. Jesus tells us that the source of the tongue is the heart.
For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him. (Matthew 12:34b-35, NIV)
“Out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks.” And then He affirms James’ analysis: “The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him.” Ouch!
If blessing God and cursing men come from the same mouth, James and Jesus say there is a problem with the heart. Neither James nor Jesus suggest that there is any kind of hybrid heart, one that can produce both good and evil, both fresh and salt water. Both speak as if there is only a good heart filled with good things or an evil heart filled with evil things. To James, it is apparent that even salt water springs can “bless God” from time to time, but it remains a salt water spring. In Jesus’ terms, “evil.”
This must not be! You and I cannot pat ourselves on the back because the content of our conversation is shifting from much evil and little good to more good and less evil. Paul didn’t say, “Let few unwholesome things come out of your mouth,” but “Let NO unwholesome thing come out of your mouth.” We need to eliminate the salt water, the evil speech, the unwholesome things—only then can we sit back and celebrate what God has done!
Maybe now is a good time to talk about what that word “unwholesome” means in the original language. How about rotten, corrupt. Or useless and worthless. Or how about depraved?
In Matthew 13, Jesus speaks of the final judgment as fishermen who pull up in their net all kinds of fish. “When it was full, the fishermen pulled it up on the shore. Then they sat down and collected the good fish in baskets, but threw the bad away” (Matthew 13:48, NIV). The same word translated “bad” in Matthew 13:48 is translated “unwholesome” in Ephesians 4:29. Those fish were rotten, corrupted, useless, worthless, utterly unfit for food!
Allowing unwholesome speech to come from our mouths is like allowing putrid matter to spew from us and cover those around us. Vomit, folks! Well digested food, unrecognizable, transformed by bile and stomach acids, spraying out of our mouths all over those around us. I’m sorry for the graphic description. But “unwholesome” talk is not just “not so good for people,” it is absolutely disgusting. Do you think we need to deal with it?
God doesn’t give us the option of dwelling sometimes in the old self and sometimes in the new. He doesn’t give us the option of operating sometimes from the old heart and sometimes from the new. If you don’t get rid of that rotting corpse of the old self it will continue to fester and rot, poisoning what God made new.
Every time you hear unwholesome words come out of your mouth, be ashamed! Be embarrassed! Be shocked and grieved! Because you’re choosing to speak from your old rotting heart! You’re giving vent to those noxious gasses that are produced by the rotting carcass of you old, dead self.
Unwholesome Talk
What counts as unwholesome talk? How about slander or cursing others (James 3:1-12)? How about grumbling and complaining (Philippians 2:14-15)? Or criticizing someone to condemn them (Numbers 12:1 – Miriam and Aaron speaking against Moses because of his wife)? There’s also boasting, bragging, and mocking (1 Samuel 25:17: Nabal). How about speaking confidently about something we don’t understand (Job 27:12; 35:16) and likely leading someone astray? There is perversity and persuasive or seductive words that do tempt people to sin against God (Proverbs 7:21: the adulteress). How about talking the talk without walking the walk, also known as hypocrisy (we saw that in Matthew 23)? There is also unfounded accusations and back-talk and questioning someone in authority (Romans 9:20) without a teachable heart (“How can I be sure?” or “How will this be?” said by Zechariah and Mary). There is also obscenity, coarse joking, meaningless controversies, disputes, debates, quarrels about words, myths, genealogies—all of which are condemned in Scripture!
It’s not just the words we use, but also our tone of voice and inflection. Would you rather hear someone say to you, “Wow! You look great!” or “Wow. You look great.” We convey so much meaning just by the tone and inflection we use. Your words may seem totally harmless on paper, but add the right inflection and you can inject all kinds of venom and rot into those perfectly innocent words.
What is the ultimate test of whether a thing is unwholesome or not? Paul tells us that the words that come out of our mouths must only be those that are “helpful for building others up, according to their needs.” Do you want to know if a word you’re about to speak is rotten or not? Ask yourself, “Is this word going to help the person I’m speaking to grow in Christ or understand God better? Is it going to help them better walk in God’s ways?” If the answer is, “No,” then hold your tongue. If, on the other hand, it does in fact tear them down, if it is unkind or cruel, then choke back the words! Why would you want to say such a thing?
Change Your Heart
29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up
Of course, Paul isn’t just telling us to shut the wellspring of our speech down. Like the thief who needed to work, make money and have extra so that he could share with others, so each one of us needs to turn all the way around. Rotten speech has too easily poured through our lips to poison the people around us. Paul’s command, which agrees with James and Jesus, is to disconnect our mouth from the sewer pipes of our old, rotten self and connect it to the fresh water lines of our new, God-given heart.
We who believe in Jesus have a new heart, we just need to change the plumbing. Just like Paul said to put off the old and put on the new. Jesus actually shows the way to do this: “The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him” (Matthew 12:35, NIV).
Under the control of our old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires, we have spent far too long storing up evil things in our heart. That’s why it’s full of rottenness and all kinds of evil! But Jesus shows that the one who speaks what is good and helpful is someone who has taken the time to fill himself or herself with good things.
There is a concept in computer science that says, “Garbage in, garbage out.” You can have a flawless piece of software operating on flawless hardware, but if you feed it bad data, it will produce bad results. It’s actually a universal concept.
What you put into your heart, what you fill it with, that is what comes out of your mouth. If you think you are a wonderful Christian, but your mouth produces unwholesome speech, then you are revealing the evil that you have stored up in your heart. You’re not the cleansed, new creation that God intends you to be. Your mouth and mine is a window into what actually fills our hearts.
Paul earlier told us that in our anger, we must not sin. What happens so often when we get angry? Unwholesome talk explodes out of our mouth, targeted at whatever triggered our anger: our car, our computer, a stranger, a loved one. Why? Because we have expectations that are not being satisfied. We have thought long and hard about what we think life should be like, and when it doesn’t happen according to our desire, we give vent through our mouths to the frustration and bitterness that stews in our heart. Every time we’re disappointed, instead of correcting ourselves according to God’s Truth, we tuck that away in our hearts, we use it to feed the beast of our crushed desires. We can work really hard at keeping it caged out of sight, but in the darkness of our hearts it continues to smolder and seethe, like molten lava that can never cool—until finally it bursts out through our lips and wreaks havoc and destruction on everyone around us!
We need to fill our hearts with good things, and there is nothing better than the Word of God. But I’m not talking about reading and reading or hearing and hearing. No. Filling our hearts with the Word of God means we have to root out the old, the rotting, the corrupt so we can make room for the good and holy and right.
God’s Word teaches us what is good and right. But if we don’t listen to it and act on it, we’re gaining no ground. We’re not rewiring our mouths to our new heart. We’re possibly just storing away certain truths and commands to use against others and justify ourselves, turning what is holy into something profane.
Again to borrow from James (1:22, NIV): “Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.”
The Word of God is written to the one reading it. The Word of God is spoken to the one listening to it. The Word of God is not written to all the people around you and me. It is written to you and to me. We don’t read it to figure out what others need to be doing. We read it and listen to it to figure out what we need to be changing. And if we do what it says, we are putting off the old self and putting on the new. If we do that, we are disconnecting our mouths from our old heart and connecting it to our new, God-designed and -given heart.
Until we have sat before the Word of God and been instructed by it and changed by it, we cannot complete Paul’s instruction here.
Others Focused
29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs
Paul commands us not merely to shut our mouths, but to turn them into instruments of blessing to others. Shut off the sewage that flows so easily from our mouth, and instead draw from a never-ending reservoir of clean water to benefit others.
If we have not been cleansed and changed, we cannot be the channel that God intends. Our biggest enemy is our selfishness, our self-centered-ness. We live and act like life is all about us; the world revolves around us—or it should! But God’s Word says we are first and foremost His servants. Slaves to do His will. Not our own. And He commands us to serve those around us, to benefit them. Until we let go of our self-absorption, until we stop making everything about “me, me, me,” we will not gain victory in anything God teaches.
Remember the thief who was commanded to stop stealing and start working with his own hands? Why? To provide for himself? Paul didn’t actually say that—that’s something we understood to be included. Why did the thief need to begin working with his own hands? “That he may have something to share with those in need” (Ephesians 4:28, NIV)! He needed to stop living for his own wants and wishes and start living for the needs of others. From himself as the center of the universe and everyone else as a means to his own pleasure, to those in need around him as the center of his universe, and him now the means to meet their need.
We use venomous, toxic, poisonous words to gain things for ourselves. No more. We are called to live for the benefit of others, and to use our words to help them. We are called to serve others by considering their needs and meeting them, not just by our money, but by our words, in hope of being a help to those who listen.
“Building others up according to their needs” does not mean we only say sweet, nice, happy things, things that make others feel good about themselves. It certainly can include that—but this is not a command to flattery!
It is a command that requires knowing the people we speak to, knowing what their needs are, just as surely as we need to know the genuine material needs of a person before we share our money with them! The former thief does not give to anyone who claims to have a need, but to those who genuinely have a need—as God defines their need.
Likewise, the one who wants to use his words to benefit those who listen needs to understand the needs of those around us—as God sees them! So we have to know what God wants for them, we have to recognize where they are in progress toward God’s goals, and we need to devise words that will help them move forward to achieve what God desires for them.
Say one of us used to be a thief. We learned a couple weeks back that it’s God’s will that no Believer steals, but rather that they work and have an excess to give to others. If our brother or sister has taken a job, speak wholesome words to affirm their obedience and encourage them to keep at it. If someone else among us has a desperate need, take aside the one who needs to learn to share and use wholesome words to inform them of the need. Let them know you’ll be doing what you can to help. If they balk at the idea of sharing and you know their own needs are met, they may need a wholesome correction, a gentle reminder of our duty as Believers. If they consistently refuse to help, they may need wholesome rebuke for putting their trust in money rather than God.
We each have different weakness and strengths, and that means we have to work harder on those things we’re weak in while still keeping at those things that come easy! I may have to pour more effort into something you do without thinking! But you’ll have to pour more effort into something I may have “naturally” squared away.
Between the two of us, I can help you in your weak area and you can help me in mine. You see my area of need, you see my lack of effort or minimal effort, and you see from God’s Word what He wants of me in this area, and you tell me what a lazy, stupid bum I am for not getting after what God wants! That’s unwholesome talk. Rather, you think about what might help me to push forward and you speak those words.
“All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work” (2 Timothy 3:16-17, NIV). The goal of Scripture is the same goal Paul has in mind here: We’re called to help others grow in Christlikeness, by using meaningful and helpful words to point each other in the right direction.
Sometimes those words will be straightforward teaching, instruction, guidance. Sometimes those wholesome words will be rebuke, which can seem cruel—and may be if they come from a corrupt heart. But rebuke is not unwholesome, especially if it comes from a heart filled with the good things of God. Rebuke might be, “You’re lazy!” But it can also be, “You’re not putting in the effort you need to.” More often than not, rebuke hurts, but that doesn’t make it wrong. If it points to the necessary repentance, then it is helpful. Rebuke seeks to stop a wrong behavior or activity; correction points the right way, into which we desire to steer ourselves and others.
Training in righteousness speaks more of side-by-side action than of words from our mouths, but in the training process, encouraging words help affirm the right way and keep people moving when they might want to give up.
Results Not Guaranteed
29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
Sadly, we can have all the right words, including painful rebuke. But the one we care about doesn’t make the needed change. “It takes two to tango.” You and I are responsible for what comes out of our mouths, but the one we speak to is responsible for whether they receive it and apply it. Same is true for us: We are responsible for whether we receive and act on the wholesome words spoken to us!
God’s Word is perfect! It’s not God’s fault that most people refuse to do what it says! Jesus is perfect! But many times at the end of a teaching, He would say, “He who has ears, let him hear.” Everyone has ears, friends, but not all hear. It is the responsibility of those who have ears to put in the effort to hear. It is not the responsibility of those who have mouths to make others hear.
We so easily confuse the two: We speak like it’s our responsibility to change people by our words—so we pressure, criticize, abuse, insult, guilt them every way we know how. We nag and nag and switch it up and nag some more. All so that they’ll do what we want—and we might actually want for them exactly what God wants!
But that’s not what Paul says here. Our responsibility is to speak what can guide them in a right direction—if they’re willing to listen. If they’re not willing, that’s on them and entirely their responsibility.
That’s how God works: His messengers speak—and God will judge them for whether they spoke His message or not. The one spoken to must make a choice to hear or not—and God will judge them for the choice they make.
Conclusion
We talk much today about “being heard” and how important that is for our mental and emotional well-being. I’m sorry, but you’ll find it hard to make the case from Scripture that that is true. That’s self-focused, and if we’re honest, it’s more about getting what we want than about just being acknowledged. That’s the world speaking, not God. That’s looking to people to meet our needs, wants or demands. Which makes people into our god. You see, we’ve already been seen and heard by the God who made us. And we can speak to Him about anything and everything we desire. He doesn’t promise to give us whatever we ask—unless it’s according to His will. Which means He remains the focus and in the driver’s seat. He doesn’t cater to us or pander to us. Neither does He pamper us. We are His servants to do His will. But He is not cruel and heartless. On the contrary, the more we give up ourselves to serve His agenda, the more He promises to repay us in eternity.
So what will it be for you? Will you receive the help of the Spirit and take control of your tongue? At minimum, choose silence over putrid speech. Will you disconnect the swamp of your old heart from your mouth and connect it to your new heart? Will you fill that new heart with God’s good Word and wisdom, rather than pollute it with the wisdom and ways of the world? Will you use your words for helping others grow in Christ or know Him better, rather than tearing them down or abusing them?
How you and I use our mouth—just as surely as how we use our money—reveals what fills our heart and who we truly serve.